I wouldn’t think. I only listened to his prayers.
“This is God’s work. This is what he wants. Let me take away your pain. Bless this holy child and wash away her sins. Show her the way,” he rasped in my ear.
He loved me. He loved all of his sheep. He took care of us. He would heal us and lead us home.
He loved me.
He would save my soul.
I floated away. Into the sky.
“Get dressed, Sara,” he said after some time. His voice thick and his breathing ragged. I wouldn’t look at him. I kept my head down.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
He led me back to the room of glass. The numbness was replaced with relief.
There would be no refuge today. I could be thankful for that at least. My body belonged to Pastor. To God.
“To yourself, Sara. Only yourself,”Bastian whispered in my ear, as though he were beside me.
“God accepts you for your faults. I’m his conduit. I only want to keep you focused. I only want your spiritual wellbeing. You are coming of an age, Sara, where we must talk about the next step on your path.”
He loved me.
He loved all of us.
He would lead me home…
I nodded mutely. God had taken my voice.
“You have embraced the divine word. You work hard to cleanse your soul, do you not?” Pastor was saying.
I nodded. It was the only reaction I could make. All the worry, all the doubt had slipped away to that dark, murky place that spread outward from my heart.
“And are you focused on The Awakening? Do you feel prepared?” Pastor asked.
The Awakening.
What was The Awakening? Did anyone really know? All I knew was that it was the point when we reached absolute purity and were ready to be called home. God decided when we were ready. Pastor Carter as his earthly voice steered us forward. If we didn’t live a pure and clean life, erase the toxins and evil from our hearts, then we would be left behind. Our loved ones would ascend without us. That was my idea of hell. Being alone. Without anyone. Abandonment was my greatest fear.
But how did we ascend? What would exactly happen in this perfect, Godly moment? It was a total mystery.
“Your Awakening is coming soon, Sara,” he said and I felt dizzy.
“Soon?” I whispered, apprehension tinged with excitement I had been told to feel swept through me.
“Yes, my sweet, Sara. Very soon. We must ready your heart and soul so you will be taken.”
I could barely breathe. I didn’t know what to say. I felt paralyzed.
“What do I have to do?” I asked, voice high and thready.
Pastor Carter squeezed my hands. I felt steadied by his warmth. His solidity. His pale blue eyes were serious.“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
I knew he was quoting scripture again. Though I didn’t quite understand what that particular passage had to do with me.
“I don’t braid my hair, Pastor. I don’t wear jewelry. I don’t consider myself vain,” I objected. Had I slipped up? Had my thoughts of wanting to look pretty somehow been written on my face?
