I said nothing. I had no words.
He waited for me to give him something. After he had given me so much.
I couldn’t.
I didn’t know what to do.
So, I turned and I ran.
Mom was enraged when I returned to our house.
“Where have you been?” she screamed, violence in the air. Her nails broke my flesh as she gripped my arm, telling me how ashamed she was. And I took it. Because I deserved it.
Because I had allowed Satan to whisper sweet thoughts in my ear. I had been tempted by ideas I shouldn’t be thinking about.
I hated myself.
“Pastor Carter wants you to go to the solarium immediately,” Mom said after ordering me to burn my clothes. They sizzled in the fire. The earlier flashes of happiness disappearing in the smoke.
I didn’t question why Pastor Carter wanted to see me. I did as I was told.
The not-so perfect disciple.
I made my way to Pastor Carter’s house. I entered the solarium, taking my shoes off. The wood was warm and hard beneath my bare feet.
I had always loved the smell of this room. Pine needles and earth.
It was meant to be a place of healing. A place of total calm and serenity.
But tonight, after being with Bastian, the memory of his mouth on mine, I didn’t feel calm or serene.
I stood just inside Pastor’s inner sanctuary. The room in his home reserved for prayer and devotion. Only a select few had been within its walls. Most days I felt thankful to be one of them.
Today I wanted to be anywhere else. I wanted solitude. I wanted to hide my face so he wouldn’t see…
We can leave. We can start a different kind of life.
Dear God, I wanted to. I had let myself be swayed by Bastian’s honeyed promises and visions of a better world.
But there wasn’t a better world. That’s what Pastor Carter had taught us. It was all lies and deception. The devil wanted us to lose our way. We had to save our souls.
Or I’d be left behind.
I just thought there was more to you than the rest of them. That you could see more.”
I needed to confess my sins to Pastor Carter. I needed to tell him about Bastian. About the wicked words that had infested my heart.
Yet, I hesitated.
The thought of Bastian being forced to leave left me reeling. Of him being made to leave his brother behind.
The memory of him at the gate, pleading to let him stay, hammered against my skull. I wanted to scream.
Why was I protecting him?
Because of him, I was losing my way.
Because of him, I was waking up…
