“Don’t talk to me like this, Yoss! Don’t you dare!” I cried, trying to reach out for him again, but he held me off.
“I don’t get you, Imogen. What sort of person chooses to live out here? What kind of girl attaches herself to a guy like me instead of sleeping in a warm bed and having a normal life? What’s wrong with this fucking picture?” he yelled, turning away from me.
I let out a choked sort of sob and covered my face with my hands.
Yoss looked back at me again and his face softened.
“Stop crying. Please,” he said. “It’s just that you don’t belong out here, Imi. You should go home.”
Bug stirred in the grass, stretching out. “Shit, how long was I asleep?” he asked, sounding groggy.
Yoss and I both ignored him.
“I’ve lived my whole life being shoved aside. I thought I had finally found someone that wouldn’t ever make me feel like I wasn’t wanted.” I was crying in earnest now. I couldn’t help it. Maybe if I were less emotional I’d have known what Yoss was trying to do. If I were more mature I would have seen that he was only thinking of what was best for me. He wasn’t trying to get rid of me. He wasn’t tossing me aside. He only wanted me happy and safe. Yoss was putting my needs above his.
Because Yossneededme. I didn’t know it then. I could only recognize my own pain. But later I would come to realize that he possibly needed me more than I could ever need him.
But my sixteen-year-old heart only heard rejection. I only saw the boy I loved telling me to leave him behind.
I wasn’t reading between the lines. I wasn’t hearing the truth that was right in front of me. I was slightly broken. Overly vulnerable. I had lived a lifetime of neglect and minimal love. I couldn’t see past my experiences to understand what real, selfless love looked like.
Teenagers aren’t known for being astute and I was no exception.
“Do you want me to go? Is that it? You’re tired of me already, Yossarian?” I shouted.
He flinched at my use of his full name.
I hated crying. I found it to be a useless waste of time. Tears solved nothing. But I couldn’t stop them from flowing down my cheeks.
Bug sat up, looking between Yoss and me. “Whoa, guys, chill out. It’s all good,” he tried to placate.
“Yes! I want you to go! I want you to leave! Of course I do!” He took my hands and pressed them to his mouth. “Do you think I want this for you, Imi?” He kissed my palm. The inside of my wrist. I could feel his hands trembling. “God, I love you! So much! I’d give anything for you to have better than this! So even though it would rip my heart out to watch you go, Iwant you to! I think you’re staying here because of me, and I can’t live with that! Fucking hell, Imogen, you can’t live with that either!”
Was he right? Was I staying for him?
Was I living this hell on earth because I couldn’t bear to leave him?
“Guys, seriously, don’t do this. Imi is just like us. She’s family, man,” Bug argued, picking at his lip in agitation.
Yoss stared down at me, his eyes red, his cheeks wet. “That’s where you’re wrong, Bug. Imogen isnothinglike us!”
I wished that statement didn’t hurt as much as it did.
“You’renotthe same as the rest of us. You’re so much better. You’re so muchmore.”
We were both shaking, but I was resolved and nothing Yoss could say would sway me. “You want me to go, then I’ll go. But I can’t go back to my mother. I won’t go back there. Don’t you get that?”
“You need to go to school. You need to be safe. Don’tyougetthat?”he rasped, his voice breaking. Cracking into pieces.
“I love you, Yoss. I won’t leave you,” I swore. And I meant it. I wouldn’t. Not now. Not ever.
Yoss closed his eyes as if in pain. “I know, Imogen. That’s the problem.”
Then, as if he couldn’t help himself, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. I tucked my head underneath his chin and sobbed into his shirt. He ran his hands up and down my back and I found myself finally able to relax.
Bug left at some point, but neither of us moved. We cried. We held on. We felt the broken pieces start to mend.
“Can we go somewhere? Just us?” I asked.
