I wouldn’t cry. I couldn’t do that to him. I didn’t want to smother him in my tears when he needed my strength. I held him tight. So tight.
“Even if you’re not here,” I said.
I promised.
I hoped that it was one I’d never have to keep.
Fifteen Years Ago
Iwent back to the bridge.
I wasn’t sure why I still waited for him.
After what I saw.
After the lie.
“I’d give you whatever you asked for. I want to remember what it feels like not to be ashamed. Not to feel sick inside. To be able to love without guilt and regret.”
I loved him.
I had told him it was without condition. So I wouldn’t leave. Even if my soul was in shambles. My trust in tatters.
Our love would have to sustain me.
So I waited.
In the rain.
In the cold.
For the boy who had promised me a future.
I learned that day that to love someone was to hurt.
And I was tired of the pain.
Present
Iwoke up the next morning and I knew something was wrong. I rolled onto my side and put my hand on Yoss’s bare chest.
I waited for the rise and fall.
Up. Down. Up. Down.
I watched his face. He seemed to be asleep. His arm still wrapped around me. Holding me tight. Holding me close.
I couldn’t look away. Even though I had to get ready for work. I was scared to leave him.
Something isn’t right.
Once again a thin line of blood slowly dripped from his nose. It slid down his cheek and landed on the pillow beneath his head.
His color was worse this morning. The yellowish hue more pronounced.
“Yoss,” I said quietly, shaking his arm.
He was still. Too still.
