Why?
“You made decisions that had to do with meforme and that’s not okay, Yoss. I had no idea what happened to you. Where you went. If you were all right. Do you have any idea what that did to me?” I asked, my voice trembling.
Yoss’s brows furrowed. “I never meant—I thought—” He shook his head. “I thought I was doing the right thing. I really did. But it seems every time I make a choice with good intentions it ends up being a bad idea.”
I loosened my grip on the steering wheel, forcing myself to relax. I was torn between wanting to scream at him and wanting to cry. So much time wasted. So many years spent wondering.
I glanced at him and he was chewing furiously on his bottom lip, looking upset.
“It was probably the right thing to do,” I said finally, surprising both of us.
Yoss looked at me, confused. “It was? But you just said—”
“I would have followed you anywhere, Yoss.”
And we both knewthatwas the problem.
“I should have let you know I was okay though. I shouldn’t have made you worry for so long,” Yoss conceded.
So many what ifs.
What if he had never left me?
What if I had convinced him to leave town?
What if he had taken the time to talk to me that day at my mother’s house?
What if he had made a different life for himself?
But what was the point in all of that? It changed nothing.
I let go of the anger. Slowly.
“I’m sorry, Imi,” Yoss said quietly.
“I’m sorry too,” I replied.
My apology wasn’t for anything I had done. It was for the circumstances those kids from years ago had found themselves in. It was an apology for things I had no control over.
We drove the rest of the way to river in silence.
“I haven’t been in this part of city in a long time,” I commented, parking my car along the river and getting out.
The piece of land that stretched from the railroad tracks down to the water was all but deserted. One lone fisherman stood on the bank, casting a lure. It was one of the most beautiful parts of Lupton. Here among the trees and flowers you could feel completely removed from the noisy, busy city.
The river curved around a bend that I knew led to the swimming hole where I had spent long summer days trying to forget the reality of my life. This is where I fell in love with Yoss.
This is where I fantasized about futures and happy endings.
Feeling chilly, I zipped up my coat up under my chin even though the sun was shining and the air was warmer than it had been.
“It’s just through the woods. It’s a bit of a hike,” Yoss warned.
“I’m up for it. Lead the way,” I said, following behind him as we made our way down the embankment and followed the flow of water that cut its way through the field.
“I guess it’s too cold to go swimming,” I laughed.
“Unless hypothermia is your thing,” Yoss snorted. We broke through the trees and I could see the swimming hole, a part of the river that was significantly deeper than the rest. “I haven’t been swimming since you and I were here last,” he said, stomping over brush and limbs strewn across the ground.
