But then I hear it.
A muffled weepy noise, a whimper I’ve never heard Sadie make before.
The switch is flipped, and in a split second I whirl right around and rush to her, pulling her into my arms. She clutches my t-shirt and cries into it, and it tears my heart because she’s already been upset more than enough today and here I am adding more petrol to the fire. Cradling her head, stroking her hair as I twist us from side to side, I murmur soothing nonsense until her sobs become hiccups, frantic to comfort her and sorrier than I can say.
“I’m sorry,” she whimpers. “I know I’m…not easy to deal with.”
“It’s fine,” I whisper, kissing the trail of tears on her face. “I know you have trust issues. I knew that going in. And it’s hardly surprising.” I mean, look at her father and her ex. Hardly great examples of what to expect from my gender.
“But I shouldn’t make you suffer for that.” She nestles into me, hiding her face. “It’s just not easy for me to let go of the reins.”
“I’m sorry I got pissed off, my love. We don’t have to talk about it again until you’re ready,” I promise her. “But what I need you to fully take on board is… I don’tjustwant to be the father of your baby. I’m never only gonna be yourbaby daddy, or whatever. I want to be your man. The one you come home to. The one you share everything with.” She goes still in my arms as she takes that in. “And aside from actuallywantingto live with you anyway, I also want to live with my kid. I don’t want to be the kind of dad who picks little Leo Junior or Leonora up from their mother’s place. There’s nothing wrong with that, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not something I want, because it’syou. And you know I love you.”
The silence stretches out, and a small piece of me withers when, once again, she doesn’t say it back.
And she doesn’t even pick up the Leo Junior/Leonora gauntlet I laid down. Shemustbe wrung out.
“Can we just put a pin in it for now?” she asks. “I’m completely beat, and I can’t make any big life decisions when I’m so fucking drained.”
“Sure,” I say, not hesitating. “How about I order in some dessert, anything you like, and we watch whatever you want on TV?”
“Even Bridgerton?”
“Are you kidding?” I chuckle, even though I’m still a little raw. “EspeciallyBridgerton. I’ve seen it three times myself already. Team Penelope.”
“Of course you are,” she laughs tiredly. “But that sounds perfect.”
Baby, I couldn’t agree more.
I just wish she’d let everything be even more perfect. I wish she’d trust me fully, and not just pretend she does, not merely pay lip service to it while still holding something back from me as a safety net. She doesn’t need one, not with me. But I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not complaining. Leo of this time last year would kill to be in my shoes right now. He wouldn’t have asked for anything more.
But I dowantmore. I want it because I know I could have it, if she’d stop getting in our way.
And I think a little more time and patience, and a lot more meddling in my own love life, might just get us there.
CHAPTER TWENTY
TWO MONTHS LATER
Sadie
“And now the big question: do you want to find out the sex of your baby?” the technician asks us.
Leo and I have been holding hands and busily welling up together at the image on the screen. It’s starting to look like an actual baby, with a little button nose and fingers and feet. I haven’t felt any kicks yet, but I comfort myself with the knowledge that I’m only eighteen weeks pregnant, and the tech has confirmed everything is all fine. And the fastwhomp-whompof the heartbeat is reassuring as fuck. I wish I could have one of those machines at home, so I can strap it on any time I feel nervous. Is it too late to retrain as an ultrasound technician?
“Yes,” Leo says, wiping his eyes openly, at the exact same time that I say, “No!”
We look at each other and laugh.
“If the knowledge is available, I want to know,” he protests. “It’d eat me up, knowing it could be written down somewhere on a piece of paper I can’t see!”
I lay back, shaking my head. “This is one of life’sonlybig surprises. Let’s keep it that way.”
He smiles as he grumbles like a kid denied a treat. “And I won’t be able to keep it a secret if she tells me and not you… Agghhhhh,fine!”
I clap my hands happily. As fun as it would be to know one way or the other, and as much as I’m sure it helps the bonding process, I want the whole ‘it’s a boy’ or ‘it’s a girl’ moment, even if I’ll be too exhausted and raw to fully enjoy it.
The technician chuckles, and hands me some paper towels to wipe the gel off my stomach. I’ve got the beginnings of a bump, and I can’t do up the top button of my jeans anymore, but the same can be said when I overdo it on pizza and have a food baby. I wish it was more of a definite mama-to-be belly and less ambiguous. “Well, the important thing is a healthy pregnancy, and you’ve certainly had one of those so far. Everything looks great.”
