“Because whatever else happens, I…can’t lose you. Like I said.” His eyes are glued to the horizon.
My own are prickling with the warning of tears. For the pain I can feel he’s in, and for how quiet this exuberant atom bomb of a man has become. Because of my cluelessness.
“You won’t. You…you won’t.” I make us both that promise here and now. A world without Leo is unthinkable to me, and there’s precious little I won’t do to keep him in my life, whatever that ends up looking like.
The silence lengthens. Eventually, I can’t stand it anymore. “This sucks,” I burst out. “This fuckingsucks. You’re the one person I want to talk this out with, but…how do I talk about you,withyou?”
Finally, he turns his head to look at me, and his eyes soften. “Hey, why don’t you?”
I frown at him. “Wh… Wait, what?”
“Yeah, come on. I’ll put my Friend Hat on, and you can spill your guts. Tell me all about the jerkweed that yelled at you about his secret love.” He gives a short chuckle at my incredulous face.
“No, I mean…how can I…”
“It’ll be fine.” He nudges me gently. “If it helps, why don’t we turn away from each other, so you don’t have to look me in the face while you talk…” He does exactly that, shifting around and showing me his back.
“You can’t be - ”
“What, are you chicken shit or something? Just give it a try, toots,” he quips, and you know what? Fuck it. It might actually help. It’s not like this doesn’t concern him, and I’m not going to say anything hurtful. I don’t know what Iamgoing to say, but whatever it is will be honest without being brutal.
“Fine.” I turn, looking in the other direction. The pier looms out across the sea, the bright lights competing with thewatercolour sunset sky. “I mean…if I can be strictly one hundred percent honest here…I’m confused. And torn. There’s…so muchto consider, if we’re being serious here and this wasn’t some giant prank.” I pause, to give him a chance to respond. I know itisn’ta prank, but he’s played some pretty elaborate and near-the-knuckle practical jokes in the past. I have to give him one last chance to fess up and laugh at me for being fooled.
“Definitely not a prank. I love you. I always have.”
He says it so matter-of-factly, like he’s said nothing more remarkable than ‘water is wet’. “Jesus, Leo,” I say, breathless.
“Sorry. It’s just easier to say now that I’ve said it to you once.” I feel him shrug against my back. “It’s OK, that won’t change, no matter what happens. Or doesn’t happen. Carry on.”
I burst out with a nervous laugh, unlike any sound I’ve ever made before. “See, that’s what I mean! You’re talking about it like it’s no big deal, but…itis. Fuck, this could changeeverything, and not just for us - ”
“Forget everyone but you and me,” he cuts in smoothly. “We’re not sorting this out by caring a single damn what other people think. I won’t allow it.”
I’m silent for a while, torn between snapping at him for being bossy, and being a little turned on by it. Because he’s right, undeniably. This is about him and me, no-one else.
“What if it wrecks our friendship?” I ask in a small voice. “I can’t take any more heartbreak, I just can’t. And also, what if…ifIbrokeyourheart…I can’t lose you, either, Leo. You don’t know how much you mean to me. And I don’t want to hurt you, not for anything, and I stillhave, without meaning to. What if that’s exactly what happens, whatever I do? And then our friendship is completely obliterated - ”
“Babygirl, that’s as much of a problem as you want it to be.”
“Stop fucking interrupting me!”
He snorts. “Even when it’s common sense halting your crazies?”
“Yes!” After a few seconds, we both burst out laughing, and it feels so good to crack up together, the way we’ve done countless times before. It’s safe, and comfortable, and familiar. And it breaks the spell.
“Seriously,” Leo says, “I’m old enough and ugly enough to handle my shit if nothing happens. Or if somethingdoeshappen, and it all goes to hell. And I don’t have it in me to breakyourheart. You’ll always have me in your life, in any capacity you like. OK?”
It can’t be that simple. But he sounds so sure and confident that I could almost let myself believe him. Almost.
“There’s…” I sigh. How to put this? “Leo, if you meant what you said and you’ve…felt for me…since we met?”
“It took me about thirty seconds after I first saw you for me to be all in,” he confirms.
Holy shit.
“So for all that time, you’ve simultaneously been sleeping with other womenandholding me up on a pedestal.” I turn my head towards him. “I don’t know what to do with either one of those facts, because each one is a lot to handle just on its own. Both of them together...” I shake my head. “It’s messing with my head.”
“I can understand that.” He considers my words, and finally takes a deep breath. “I’m not going to lie to you and say I shook hands at their doors and left,” he admits. “I’m not going to pretend I didn’t have needs while I thought you would never know my true feelings. And I do have regrets. I tried to make sure they all knew the score, without spilling my guts as towhyit was a one night deal only. But yeah, I made decisions that weren’t the best, or very flattering, from where you’re sitting. I own that.” He turns his head towards me, and I can smell thelight, spicy scent of his aftershave, the same I always smell on the pillows when I stay at the Wishbone flat. “As for you being on a pedestal, you seem to be forgetting that I’ve seen you at your bestandyour worst. You puked in my best car. You’ve yelled at me like a demented fishwife more times than I can count. You farted on me when you were sat in my lap that time - ”
