“I appreciate that,” she whispered. “And I hope you don’t mind me having you over just for some company.”
“Not at all. I was, um… I was getting a little stir crazy myself, so let’s call it you scratching my back and me scratching yours.”
She laughed and seemed to relax a bit. Knowing her, she both loved and hated everyone fussing over her. Maybe fussing over me gave her something else to focus on.
“I’m glad you’ve had a lot of help,” I said. “You know the team is always here, no matter what.”
“I know. And I appreciate everything everyone has done.” She paused. “Between you and me, though, sometimes… Sometimes all the help makes it worse.”
“How do you mean?”
“Because it’s like this constant reminder that Leif isgone. I love everyone on the team and everything they’ve done. But it’s like…Leifshould be trimming the rosebushes.Leifshould be putting up the Christmas lights. Someone else doing those things just…” Her chin quivered and she put a hand to her lips as her eyes welled up. “It just means he’s really gone.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, because I had no idea what else to say.
“God—grief and pregnancy hormones are such a bullshit mix.” She sniffed as she wiped her eyes. Then she cleared her throat and met my gaze. “So how has the program been?” Her brow pinched. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay; I’m just worried about you.”
I recognized a subject change when I heard it, and I didn’t mind the topic, so I rolled with it. “It’s been good. I was afraid it would be awful, and it’s had some pretty tough moments, but… it’s been good.”
“And you’re…” She hesitated, eyebrows up. “You’re doing better?”
“I am.” I absently traced my finger around the rim of my coffee cup. “It’s been… It’s been hard, but yeah, I think I’m doing better.” I leaned forward to set the cup on a coaster. “Digging into the feelings and shit?” I blew out a breath.
Rachel winced. “I should probably talk to someone, too. I’m just not sure I’m ready.”
“That’s okay. I wasn’t either, but I fucked myself up drinking, so…”
“Well, I’m glad you got help sooner than later, then.” She offered a faint, sad smile. “The team is here for you too, you know.”
“Touche,” I said with a soft laugh. “Yeah, I know they are. I’m just glad one of them gave me a shove before I dug myself in too deep, you know?”
Rachel held my gaze, and a little smile started to form. “Hall?”
I tilted my head. “Hmm?”
“It was Hall, wasn’t it? Peyton Hall?”
I sat up a little. “How’d you guess?” But then I caught up and leaned back against the cushion. “The interview. Right.”
Rachel shook her head as her knowing smile curled her lips. “No. I did see the interview, but… let’s just say that part didn’t surprise me at all.”
“It didn’t?”
“No. I started coming to some practices and games after Christmas, just to be around everyone and because the kids wanted—anyway, I’ve seen the way you two interact.”
I slouched and exhaled. “That wasn’t pretty for a while.”
“It wasn’t, but I could tell by the way he was looking at you that he was concerned.”
I avoided her gaze as warmth rose in my face. “Yeah. He was. And I was… God, I was such an asshole to him about it, too.”
“I doubt that,” she whispered.
“No, I was. I was absolutely a?—”
“Avery.” Rachel shook her head. “I’ve snapped at my mom about things I don’t even care about. I have to be so careful around the kids because sometimes I just get so angry I can’t see straight, and I don’t want to take it out on them.” Her eyes welled up as she added, “It’s grief, honey. It makes everything messy, including us.”
“Isn’t that the truth?” I scratched my neck. “What sucks is I had a thing for him, and…” Renewed heat rushed into my cheeks. “I think he had one for me too.”
