“Oh, I know you were into him.” She giggled. “Leif thought it was adorable how you crushed on him.”
I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Of course he did.” My humor faded. “I’m pretty sure I messed it up, though.”
“Do you really think so?”
I took a deep breath and told her the story. I didn’t gloss over the ugly parts, either. The night Peyton had poured me into bed in the hotel. How I’d kissed him. Asking him to come get me from the club. Waking up to find him in my living room because he hadn’t wanted to leave my pathetic trashed ass alone.
By the time I’d finished, I was queasy with embarrassment. “HesaysI didn’t blow my chance with him, but…” I groaned and covered my face with both hands. “There’s no way he wants anything to do with me after this.”
“Sweetie.” Rachel reached over and touched my arm. “If you blew it with him over that, then he wasn’t worth getting together with anyway.”
I lowered my hands and met her gaze. “What do you mean?”
She gave my arm another squeeze before leaning back in her chair and folding her hands on top of her belly. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Avery.”
“You didn’t see how things went with Peyton.”
Her lips pulled tight. Then she shook her head. “Whatever it was, he doesn’t seem to be holding it against you.” Before I could protest, she barreled on, “You’ve gone through something awful—you’re still going through it—and you needed help.” She shook her head. “I mean, do you think I screwed up by forgetting to register Elsa for Pre-K next year? Or getting behind on some bills because I was so overwhelmed I lost track of everything?”
Mute, I shook my head.
“Right. It’s grief. It’s going through hell. If Peyton is a good guy—and I think he is—then he’ll see that you aren’t a bad person. You’re just hurting.”
I had to swallow hard to keep my emotions in check. It was bad enough she of all people was comforting me this much; she didn’t need to help me stop crying, too. When I was sure my voice would hold, I said, “I can’t imagine he found any of itattractive, though, you know?”
She shrugged. “Then he doesn’t deserve you.”
“Is it stupid that I still want him even if he doesn’t?”
Rachel laughed softly. “No. It isn’t. Emotions aren’t rational, and everyone has loved someone who didn’t deserve it. But I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.”
“Maybe,” I conceded. “But I mean, Iwasan asshole to him. Even if it was the grief and the alcohol talking… it was stillme.” I half-shrugged. “I can’t really blame him if he can’t look at me the same way, you know? Or if he doesn’t find it attractive.”
She seemed to consider it. “Maybe? Even if he isn’t interested in anything like that, though, he seems to be a really good friend.”
“He is. I just wish I could be around him without kicking myself for fucking up a chance at anything else.”
“Eh, give him time. And give yourself time. He might surprise you.”
I nodded but said nothing. As much as I desperately wanted to cling to that glimmer of hope she was offering, I couldn’t make myself believe it. No matter how much Peyton may or may not have been interested in me before, neither of us could change what had happened. I didn’t blame him if he couldn’t look past it.
But I could sure hate myself for it.
Rachel gazed at me sadly. “I wish I’d known you were struggling so hard.”
I was shaking my head before she’d finished. “You didn’t need that.”
“I didn’t need to find out you were suffering in silence, either,” she said pointedly.
“Okay,” I admitted. “Fair. I just…”
“You didn’t want to burden anyone else.”
I blinked.
She laughed softly and patted my arm. “I know you.” Her smile fell. “You should’ve told me you were having such a hard time. Sweetie, you know we all would’ve been there for you.”
“I was trying to be there foryou.” I swallowed hard. “And the team—I’m the captain now. They don’t have Leif anymore, so someone had to take the reins and be strong.”
