“My mom didn’t have much to say other than she accepted me, my grandma told me she already knew and had been waiting for me to confirm it, meanwhile, Zack…he was quiet. Then heran out of the house, and I froze. I was humiliated and terrified that I had lost him forever.”
My chest tightens.
“After locking myself in my room and crying for hours, I came to the conclusion that if he needed time, that was okay, but waiting days or weeks to talk to him would only make it worse. So, the next day, he was walking down the hallway, and I pulled him into a janitor’s closet to talk. God, talk about a fucking cliché.”
Levi rubs his hands over his eyes, taking yet another swig of his beer.
“And I confronted him. I told him his reaction was fucked up, that if he really was my friend, he would’ve stayed and talked. Then he kissed me.”
My eyes widen. I guess it was obvious where the story was going, but still, Zack came through. Then I remember what my question was.
“To this day, I have never experienced another kiss like that.”
Thattakes me by surprise.
“After a few seconds, he pushed himself off me and tried to run away again, but I didn’t let him get far. There was no way in hell I would. We started making out and, well…you can fill in the blanks.”
I certainly can. Levi sits back, more relaxed than before. It seems like the beers have done their job.
“After I admitted my very obvious feelings, he admitted his own and that he wasn’t bisexual like me, but gay. All I could think about at that moment was the two years wasted being secretly in love with each other, and how now we could stop wasting time and finally be together out in the open. Only Zack told me he wasn’t ready to come out. He was fucking terrified of his parents disowning him due to their religious beliefs, and after I came out, I wasn’t allowed to come to his family’s homeanymore. Even though I was exhausted from keeping secrets, I respected his and accepted the relationship we were going to have. We dated for about a year and a half, but it wasn’t even close to being perfect.”
Another swig.
“It started off being fun and passionate. That was until other students started to suspect we were more than friends. When rumors spread, his parents tried to keep him as busy as possible with activities from their local church, which, surprise, surprise, was homophobic. Luckily, but not surprisingly, my mom goes to the church on the other side of town where they accept everyone.”
Taking a deep breath myself, I remember my dad’s horrible family, but how lucky he always told me he was to escape them and find Mom and Ma in college—the family he chose instead of the one he was born into.
“I tried helping Zack, but no matter what I said or did, even if it was an attempt to comfort him, he fought me. Eventually, he got mean and nasty. In the end, he said he regretted everything, he never loved me, and had slept with a girl from our class when we were still together.”
I flinch at that last statement. My heart breaks a little bit more for my friend.
“At that point, I was about six months away from turning eighteen, still naïve, and willing to give him another chance. I knew he was brainwashed and didn’t blame him for it. But then he called me names. Some real fucked-up names. Think of every single homophobic name in the book, and he said it smack-dab in the middle of the cafeteria with an audience. After that, I knew it was over. He was too far gone. I could see in his eyes that he wasn’t the boy I fell in love with anymore. Everything and everyone around him turned him into a person full of hate.”
Levi pauses for a moment, and I’m not sure what to say. He opens his mouth again, clearly not done with the story.
“I did so much with so many people afterward. Mostly with men. Other guys in school who were in the closet or out of it. I got a piercing, cut my hair, all the rebellious teenage shit. Eventually, I started drinking a little too often, and that’s when I met Joan. She was a freshman at our local community college, only a couple of months older than me, and she’d recently gone through a breakup as well. She worked at my mom’s music shop for a while, and she had noticed the change in me. My mom and grandma did too, but they didn’t know how to talk to me about it. Joan did, and instead of hanging out with the terrible group of people I was already connected to, I started going to places with her. We did typical teenage shit that didn’t involve drinking, and I guess we bonded over our recent heartbreaks. We would stay up for hours talking. Eventually, after two months of drinking, sleeping with people I didn’t care about and who didn’t care about me, Joan made me feel like myself again in a month and a half. Then we dated.”
No wonder he needed three beers. Yes, he got another one, and I didn’t dare try to stop him. He’s opening up so much more than I did, so much more than I expected him to, and it means the world to me.
“It was short-lived. She was the first girl I ever had sex with, and we went to prom together. And even though I cared for her so fucking much and was incredibly thankful for everything she did, we knew it was temporary. But it ended well, so she’s still my friend.”
I’ve lost count of how many times Levi has run a hand through his hair since he started telling this story, and he’s doing it again.
“I’ve dated a couple of people since then. I got cheated on again last year, but it never hurt like it did with Zack. I’m not inlove with him anymore, it’s just…” He huffs. “I haven’t felt that way about someone since him, and I don’t know if I ever will.” He sucks in a sharp breath. “Jesus, I’ve never said those words out loud. For fuck’s sake, I’ve never told anyone the full story.”
Oh God. He covers his face with his forearm, and my heart sinks. He didn’t have to tell me this much so soon. Levi isn’t crying, but he’s obviously hurting. The cut that Zack left behind isn’t completely healed.
I move closer to his side of the couch, until I’m a couple of inches away, and throw my arms around him. At this point, I don’t care if he tells me to fuck off, I want to make sure that he knows I’m thankful for him being this vulnerable with me when he didn’t have to be. I want him to feel cared for and that he can trust that nobody else will ever know this sad story, not from me. I’ll take it to the grave.
After a couple of minutes, I feel his arms wrap around me, hugging me back. My head is on his chest as we sit in silence. It feels like quiet is what he needs now, and he’ll break it when he’s ready.
“Thank you for not judging me,” he whispers.
I shake my head against his chest.
“I’d never judge a friend,” I whisper back. “Thankyoufor trustingme.”
Levi slowly unwraps his arms from around me, and I lift my face with the intent of seeing whether he’s crying and how drunk he is, if at all. He’s a tall man with a toned body, so I can’t imagine him being drunk after three beers.
