"That reminds me, Aunt Vivian said that you're welcome to come to our house for Christmas if you want to. I didn't know if youwould or not, though." Grace bit her lip. Aunt Vivian had asked her to say something to Noah, and she had hesitated, because she didn't want to come off as being too forward, and she also didn't want him to feel like he had to if he had somewhere else he'd rather go. Or maybe he was the kind of person who would rather spend it alone.
"I don't want to put you guys out."
"You wouldn't be. Vivian would love the company. I didn't realize until I came, but I think she was lonely."
"That makes sense. I understand that better now that the last of my siblings has moved out. Honestly, when my youngest sister went to college, it was almost a relief to have a little bit of time to myself, you know?"
"I can imagine. But I've always been alone. So I don't understand as well as I should."
"Yeah, well it's just having the responsibility all the time. When she left, I still wanted to keep up with her, but it was her life now. And I had time to sit down in the evening and play the piano instead of eating supper if I wanted to. And I could stay up until midnight or 3 o'clock in the morning if I felt like it. Of course, I'm getting older and I don't really feel like it." He laughed.
She chuckled along with him. "I know exactly what you mean. It used to be that I could practice for hours and hours and hours, and it would be five o'clock in the morning and I wouldn't even realize it. But now, about eleven o'clock I start to think that it's time for bed."
"I feel like I'm older than you are, because I think I feel that even earlier at times." His voice trailed off, but he didn't say anything more and she left it at that.
"I never thought that a music store would be able to survive in a small town. I don't want to pry, but... Is it hard?" She was curious, but she didn't know how to ask what she wanted to know without sounding like she was putting her nose in his business.
"Not gonna lie. It is. Although, now that I just have me, I don't feel quite the pressure that I used to. But... For example, right nowthe roof is leaking and my furnace is about to give out, if the clang and bang it makes every time it starts and stops is any indication."
"Could you have it serviced?"
"The last time I did, the service guy said he had done everything he could for it. He said the next time I wanted my furnace serviced I should call an undertaker. That was an exact quote."
She laughed. At least he had a sense of humor about it.
"It's not all doom and gloom. Usually, I have an emergency fund, but one of my siblings ran into someone who needed some help, and I guess I just didn't even think twice. I wrote a check out and there went that."
"They're like your children."
"I suppose in a way. He's gonna pay me back, and hopefully that will happen before my roof and furnace give out."
Her eyes narrowed a bit. "You know, I thought this was such a great town. And I've heard about the Secret Saint that goes around helping people?" She paused, waiting for him to nod before she continued. "But... You'd think that the Secret Saint would want to help you. I mean, not that other people don't deserve it just as much, but isn't that what he's for? I guess it just makes me doubt everything I was thinking."
"I didn't mean to make you get down on the town. And the Secret Saint is... It's a really great addition to our town. But, he can't help everyone." Noah's words were slow and measured as though he were thinking about each one before they came out.
She supposed he didn't want to say anything bad about his town, even though she knew she was right. The Secret Saint definitely should be helping one of the pillar members of the community, otherwise, what was the point?
"Well, it's a blight on your community." She said the words lightly, almost as though she were joking, but in her heart, she was serious. Any town that would allow someone like Noah to struggle while helping people who contributed less to society didn't deserveto be on a pedestal. It wasn't that it wasn't okay, because it was. They could help whoever they wanted to help. But they didn't deserve special recognition if they didn't either help everyone, or—how did they decide who to help? And who was she to make judgments about who should and shouldn't be helped?
"I think that's something I need to try to get over. Maybe because you've been so kind to me and have really made me love this small town, I feel like you should be on the list of people who definitely get help."
"I guess I see where you're coming from, but I would rather be the kind of person who helps people than the kind of person who needs help. It's not really the place I want to be, you know?"
"I suppose."
She thought about the emails that she had been getting asking if she would perform or teach or speak at various functions and groups. For pay, of course. She had enough money saved up that she didn't need to work for years, or ever again if she handled her money right. But, she could make some extra money. She didn't really have a whole lot of money that she could use, since it was all in investments, but... She could earn money to help him.
"How much do you think the repairs would cost?"
"I haven't priced it out. I guess I'm a little afraid to. Like if I price it out, everything's going to go kaput. But... I suppose four to five thousand." He grinned. "Don't worry about it. God will provide. He always does. Sometimes I feel pressure, but most of the time I've learned to trust Him. He always comes through."
"I admire your faith." She paused for a moment, realizing she was surprised that the waitress had brought their hot chocolate and she hadn't even noticed. Still, it was too hot to drink, so she just let it sit.
"Maybe part of what I'm going through, my stage fright, is a lack of faith in God. Me wanting to control the narrative and what happens. Instead of giving control to God."
"I would agree with that. I feel like life is so much about us preparing, and in your case, practicing, as hard as we can. Doing everything that we can. Because God isn't going to just drop stuff in our lap. He does want us to work. But He wants us to leave it all up to Him too."
"I don't understand that. Like we're just supposed to let God do everything, but we're supposed to do everything too. It doesn't make any sense to me." She shook her head and lifted a hand up. She just couldn't see how that worked. Maybe it was just one of those paradoxes.
