A tremor runs through my body. Ilya feels it, and without a word, he scoops me up, holding me against his chest as he carries me to my door. I don’t bother arguing. Instead, I wrap my arms around his neck and take the comfort he’s freely offering.
Opening my door, he carries me inside and sits down on the couch with me still in his arms. When I try to separate our bodies, he holds me tighter and kisses my forehead.
“Just relax,” he murmurs against my skin. “I just want to hold you for a little while longer.”
I very briefly think about pulling myself out of his surprisingly comfortable lap, but I don’t have the heart or the strength to do it. The truth is I need this. I’d been scared to death, and I don’t want to be alone right now. It feels good to be held, especially if it’s a strong pair of arms that are doing the holding. I try to keep my emotions out of this, but I’m not so great at walling off my heart, especially not when I’m straddling a gorgeous man and we’re both wrapped up in each other by means of a giant bear hug.
Giving up, I rest my head on his shoulder and snuggle in deeper, breathing in the scent of him. It’s some kind of woodsy mix of spice and pine, and I quickly decide it’s my new favorite smell. Feeling it at least needs to be said, I whisper, “This is a bad idea, Ilya.”
I feel the soft huff of air against my skin when he gives a soft laugh. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Lily. It’s just a hug.”
“This is not a hug,” I argue. “This is me straddling your lap and hanging on for dear life.”
“And I’m perfectly okay with that. Let me be your lifeline right now. Let me comfort you. That’s all I’m asking for.”
“This isn’t some kind of ploy to get me into bed?”
His fingers gently run up and down my spine. It’s a soothing rhythm that immediately calms me and makes my eyelids start to feel way too heavy.
“I would never take advantage of you like that. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t have a questionable past, but I’m not a dick. I would never use you like that.”
His voice is gentle, but I can tell I’ve offended him, so I quickly say, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“You can say whatever you want, and you can ask me whatever you want, but please don’t ever think that I would use you like that.”
His fingers keep up the same steady motion on my back, and when I yawn, I feel him reach over and grab the soft blanket I like to cuddle up with when I read a book. He wraps it around me and then snakes his arms back under so I’m still warm but there’s nothing between us.
“Try and get some rest.” He murmurs the words against my head before giving me another kiss. I probably shouldn’t let him keep doing that, but I’m hopeless to stop it. It feels too damn good. For the first time in a very long time, I let myself be held by a man while I fall asleep.
I’m not sure how long I’m out, but when I open my eyes, I’m in the same exact position I was in when I shut them. The only difference is I now feel a very large, very obvious bulge beneath my ass. As soon as he feels me tense, he squeezes me tighter and says, “You can’t blame me for that, Lily, especially when I’ve been behaving like a perfect gentleman.”
“Doesn’t feel like it,” I mumble, still very much in the process of waking up.
I feel his laugh vibrate against my chest. “I haven’t done anything but hold you. I deserve sainthood for managing it.” His hand runs down my spine again before his fingers slip under my shirt and very lightly graze the skin of my lower back. “I’m afraid my thoughts have been less than pure, though. I don’t think I can call myself a saint with the images that are running through my head right now.”
I desperately want to ask him what he’s thinking about, to demand he tell me in vivid detail every single thing that’s running through his head, but I know asking will only make it harder to push him from my mind. I’m already thinking about him way too much. This would ruin any semblance of boundaries I’m pretending we still have.
I try to move from his lap, but he grabs my hips, holding me still and keeping our bodies locked together. I feel the thickness of him, the promise of all the pleasure that I know he could so easily give me, but then I think about all the other women he’s also given it to, the women he’ll continue to give it to long after he’s forgotten about me, and it’s the equivalent of being dunked in an ice bath.
“I need to get up,” I tell him, resting my hands on his chest and pulling back just enough so we’re face to face.
He gives me a wink that’s sexy and sinful and quickly warming me back up. “I’m already up.” The corner of his full mouth lifts up in a grin, and when I try to wiggle away, he lets out a deep, masculine groan while his dark eyes stay locked on mine.
“Please do that again,” he groans.
“Ilya, let me up,” I say, trying to sound stern but only managing a pathetic-sounding plea.
His eyes search mine. “Why are you fighting me? Would it be so bad to share the night with me?”
Giving up, I go limp and still. When I duck my head, he hooks his finger under my chin and pulls me back up to face him.
“Tell me what you’re thinking. Tell me why you keep fighting this thing between us.”
“What thing?” I ask.
He raises a dark brow at me. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. There’s something between us, something I’ve never felt before, and I want to find out what it is.”
“It’s calledI turned you down, so now you want to bang me. That’s all it is, Ilya. You never get turned down, and I told you no. It’s not a huge mystery.”
