He was a monster.
A selfish, self-centered, ungrateful monster.
Nuri deserved better. So much better. So did Neve.
Hell, everyone who came into Nate’s life deserved—
“We’ll be staying at the Venture,” Silver’s comment put a stop to Nate’s spiraling. “The hotel is better equipped to deal with my needs. I’m sure you agree.”
“Yeah.” Of course, he did, but now there was also the fear that Silver knew about Nate’s dwindling—empty. It was empty—bank account. If he did, though, surely he would have sent more than the bike? Unless this was a test to see if he’d sell it for the funds?
“I can’t sell the bike,” he said; the admittance meant more for him, but he spoke out loud before he could think better of it.
“I’m well aware,” Silver said. “If you did, you’d feel guilty, wouldn’t you? Because even though there are strings attached, it is a gift from me, and since my money is now your brother’s money…Well. You could never give away something your brother spent the time and energy choosing just for you, could you? That would make all his efforts a waste.”
“They were your efforts,” Nate corrected in a poor attempt to deflect, but of course, the emperor saw through him.
“You have a month.”
He frowned. “To do what?”
“Fix yourself,” Silver ordered. “I don’t care how, just do it. There’s only so long you can keep this from Nuri, and I don’t want him finding out about it any more than you do. Do you want him feeling the same way?”
“No, of course not.”
“He will though. You know he will. He’ll feel awful and blame himself that you’re unhappy. Beat himself up over it and think it’s because he wasn’t a good enough caretaker.”
“He was!”
“Yes, which is why you’re going to get your act together. You have a month to do it on your own, Nate, otherwise, contrary to what I implied earlier, I will find a way to do it for you. Whether you like that outcome or not. Are we understood?”
“It’s not that easy.” If it had been, Nate would have found a way to get over his depression and this feeling of uselessness before, without needing threats from Silver to do so.
“Find a way to make it easy then,” Silver said. “One month. The clock is ticking. Until then, your secrets are safe with me.”
“Gee,” he somehow managed to drawl out sarcastically, “thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
The line went dead and Nate tugged the earpiece out of his ear and shoved it back into the side of his multi-slate, a flash of annoyance mixing with the sheer panic he was now feeling. There was little doubt in his mind that Silver would follow through on his claims if Nate didn’t magically find a way to handle his depression on his own.
The thing was, it wasn’t even really depression. Not entirely, in any case. Nate didn’t struggle to get out of bed in the morning or want to kill himself or anything like that. He just wished he could vanish. Disappear one day, leaving no trace. Remove himself from the lives of the people he cared about so there was no longer a chance of him disappointing them.
The fact that in and of itself would then cause them greater grief and disappointment was the only reason he didn’t act on those wants. Why he didn’t simply give into the urge to pack up and run.
Nate had been old enough to remember the pain losing their parents had brought them all, and there was no way he could do that to Nuri a second time. So he stayed and he pushed through and he pretended like everything was fine. Like he didn’t spend every waking moment terrified that he was going to make a mistake and become an even bigger burden to his brother.
Street racing was the one thing he allowed himself, and that was mostly because he’d already gotten into it by the time these fucked up feelings had begun. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it’d started, only knew that one day he’d woken up with the crippling fear that he wasn’t good enough and never would be. That his brother had wasted his life making those sacrifices for him.
That Nuri would be better off if he didn’t have to worry about Nate and what he was doing.
Fuck.
Nate tried hard not to look at the bike as he twisted on his heels and stormed upstairs, headed straight for the bathroom. The house was tiny compared to most, but had three bedrooms, though two of them hadn’t been occupied for some time. The paint on the walls was peeling and the kitchen facet leaked, but it was the only home he really knew, and even though there was no great attachment he felt toward it personally, it was the place Nuri had purchased for them when he’d first sent them to Vitality to start their new lives.
And here Nate was, allowing the place to go to ruin.
As soon as he was in the bathroom, he flicked the shower on, getting under the spray without bothering to strip out of his clothes first. It’d been months since Neve had moved out, and yet the old habit of secluding himself away whenever he felt a breakdown coming on was too hard to shake.
