On a physical level, I feel like shit. On an emotional level? I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling, other than to say…I’m so fucking confused.
Things have suddenly gotten a lot more serious between me and Aidan, and I can’t reconcile my feelings with what I promised myself at the beginning of this relationship.
I want to tell him everything, open up and pour out every last bit of what I’ve been holding in. It’s becoming far too crowded in my mind, and it would be nice to offload some of those more complicated emotions, but I’m not ready. And I’m not sure he is either.
The struggle to share my emotions has always been a hard-fought battle with me, especially when it comes to admitting something is wrong. No matter how big the feeling, I’ve been bottling things up for so long, it’s impossible for me to let any of it out. If I do, I’ll just explode.
JOANNA 11:54 A.M. like the bar ate and shit me out
He texts back immediately.
AIDAN 11: 55 A.M. Thank you for the vivid imagery.
JOANNA 11: 56 A.M. you’re welcome
He doesn’t respond right away, so I go to shove my phone back in my pocket. As soon as I do, another text comes in.
AIDAN 12:00 P.M. Just so you know, there was nothing in our arrangement that stated we couldn’t talk to each other about our problems.
AIDAN 12:00 P.M. No strings. I’ll just listen.
Continuing to blur the lines with Aidan will only make things even more complicated, and I just can’t deal with that right now.
I should have known better when I went searching for something that would fill the loneliness. Now I’m stuck with something—someone—who means more than they should.
I have to slow things down.
I just hope I don’t hurt Aidan in the process.
Chapter Twenty-Three
AIDAN
I’ve tried reaching out and giving Joanna an opening to share whatever was on her mind, but she just keeps shutting me down. When she first proposed our no- strings agreement, it never occurred to me how seriously she would abide by it. I thought there would be at least a little leeway for sharing, but she truly wants no emotional connection to me whatsoever, and I can’t figure out why.
In a time when I’ve tried my best to be open with other people and new experiences, it’s struck me just how frustrating it is to connect with someone who’s not willing to do the same. It hurts knowing someone doesn’t trust you enough to show their true self, and Joanna’s tendency to shut me out has placed a mirror up to my own personality, and how I was living. No wonder there were so many rumors about me being an elusive and moody vampire. I haven’t given Jamie enough credit for putting up with me all this time.
Though I’ve taken the necessary steps to make that change, I can’t say the same for Joanna. What’s even worse is I know those feelings she’s bottling up are at least partially about me, whichonly adds on to the guilt I’m already feeling. I want nothing more than to alleviate her suffering, if only she’d let me.
I’ve continued throwing myself into research as a distraction. Though the records in Theo’s library provided no information about whether vampires age when they have a mortal mate, I was able to confirm that bonded donors are capable of withstanding substantial blood loss. I haven’t fed from an animal in almost a week. So far, the only side effect is a bit of sluggishness first thing in the morning, and I do get tired throughout the day, but if that’s the extent of it, I’m happy to continue. I already warned Brenda of my need to double the dose, and our next appointment is in four days. If I can make it until then, it should be smooth sailing from here on out.
Ever since Joanna asked me to bite her in the movie theater, I’ve been having awful nightmares of watching her bleed out on my sitting room rug, me standing over her doing nothing to stop it. I wake up startled, heart racing and hands clawing at my chest as I wait for the fear to dissipate. But then there are the nights I have beautiful dreams, like the two of us lying naked in a bed surrounded by strawberries. It’s those nights that I sleep like a baby.
The dull ache in my chest at being away from her has become chronic with no remedy in sight save for the obvious answer—being with her. And staying away from animals has only made my desire for her that much stronger. It’s more than lust and to call it a crush would be akin to comparing a heart attack to heart burn. My body craves her in a way I can only describe as otherworldly—just like the journals describing Clara’s connection with her husband.
Joanna’s lingering scent makes my home off limits to me, so I spend all my time at the bar. Things are coming along nicely now that the renovations are scheduled. The first major thing being done is gutting the bathrooms. I might have used it as an excuseto close the bar before, but the plumbing truly is outdated and in serious need of a remodel. I’ve ordered all new sinks and toilets, and simple black speckled tile that will replace the disintegrating red vinyl from the seventies.
My emotions are jumping from anxiousness to excitement, and I can’t figure out which is stronger. I’m ready for the grand reveal, but I’m also really enjoying the work of putting it all together. I just wish I could share it with Joanna. Her opinion of what I’ve chosen to do with my family’s money shouldn’t bother me, but it does. I want her respect, because I respect her so much. I’ve seen how hard she works keeping up the farm and taking care of all the animals, and with her mother not there…
The stress of all those responsibilities falling on her shoulders is obviously weighing on her. Perhaps that was why she needed a night of drinking.
I'm assuming they don't have the income to hire help. Or maybe Joanna doesn't trust anyone with the animals. With construction in full swing, I'm not needed at the bar, and I would be willing to help, I just don’t know if Joanna would trust me to. I wonder how she would react if I showed up at the farm out of the blue?
Right now, I don’t really care. I need her to see me, to face me, and ever since reading more about bonded mates, I’ve been itching to confront her with the facts. Though part of me understands her well enough now to know she won’t believe me, the other part of me is too damn determined not to try.
So, later that afternoon, I drive out to Joanna’s farm. Unlike the first time I came here, she doesn’t look happy to see me. I know I’m violating her personal space by showing up like this, unannounced, after she practically ran from my house this morning, but my options are limited at this point, and if I don’t get this heavy weight off my chest, I might implode.
She doesn’t open the door when she sees me, just stands there staring, her scowl practically melting the screen door between us.
