“Jessie may have helped,” he replies sheepishly.
“I see.”
“I just got so in my own head about it all, and the fear that I’d only end up hurting you or ruining your relationship with Nick became the loudest voice. I told myself that I’d hold onto you for as long as I could and then let you go.” He lets out a breath.
“But you didn’t think to ask me what I wanted?”
“No,” he admits. “Because I was so obsessed with all the reasons it wouldn’t work out that I didn’t look for the reasons it might. I didn’t let myself see the potential of us outside of our original arrangement.”
He looks so unbelievably sad that I lean over and squeeze his knee.
“We both should have spoken up about how we were really feeling. But I still don’t understand why you felt like you had to protect me from yourself. I know the Nick stuff is complicated but he’ll get over it.”
He takes a long deep breath and looks at the ceiling for a few moments before he looks back at me.
“I don’t think I’ve felt good enough for anyone for a really long time,” he says, holding my gaze. “And I know that I’ve got to work on that. I should have trusted you enough to tell you I had already fallen in love with you.”
My breath catches, and for a second, I’m not sure if my heart’s still beating. Of course I’d wondered if he was feeling the same as me but hearing him confess it – raw, unguarded, without an ounce of control – hits me like a wave.
I blink hard, because if I don’t, I’m going to cry all over him. Again. I finally manage to say, “I’m in love with you too.”
The words hang in the air between us like a reverberation. He gives me a small hopeful smile.
“You’re everything to me, Em. And I want to be with you more than I can say. But I have to be someone who’s worthy of you and I’m… not sure that I can do that until I’ve fixed the parts of myself that are broken.”
I pause, the weight of his words sinking in.
“What are you saying?”
“I’m asking you to give me a bit of time,” he says softly. “I think I should probably get some proper help. See a therapist. Ishould have done it years ago when things got so bad after Lucy. There is stuff I need to work through so that I can be everything I need to be for you.”
I nod slowly, but my heart is feeling splintery in my chest.
“You’re already worthy, Luke. I love you.”
“And I love you. But not dealing with my issues has almost cost me the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I can’t risk that happening ever again. I don’t want to come back as the man who left you once. I want to come back as the man who’ll never leave again.”
I’m moving before I realise it, climbing into his lap as if by instinct. His hands go to my waist automatically and I swear I feel him trembling. I cradle his face in my hands and lean in to press a kiss to his lips.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I reply. “Time doesn’t scare me. But broken promises do. Come back to me when you’re ready.”
His eyes do fill with tears at that and we sit there, holding each other, for a long time.
When he leaves, he takes a piece of my heart with him.
But this time I trust it will be safe.
CHAPTER 45
Luke
The first timeI walk into Dr Keane’s office, I feel like an intruder. Everything about the room is designed to soothe – soft armchairs, framed watercolours, a bookshelf stacked with poetry and memoirs. Even the bloody lighting feels gentle, dimmed to just the right warmth. I perch on the edge of the sofa like I might bolt at any second, my heartbeat drumming in my ears.
“So, Luke,” she says gently, legs crossed, pen poised but not moving. “What brings you here?”
“Emmy,” I blurt, before I can stop myself.
Not exactly the polished answer I’d rehearsed on the way over. I’d planned to open on something neat, something safe – stress, workload, maybe even my sleep habits. Something controlled. But she only nods. “Tell me about her.”
