“That doesn’t make it hurt any less,” I mutter.
They both fall quiet, and I sip my coffee.
Sloane tilts her head in thought. “Okay, so… Whydoesthis hurt so much? And I think there’s a very big feeling that no one has named yet but I’d also like you to think more specifically about why you’re in so much pain.”
I let out a humourless laugh. “God, you really do sound like a therapist.”
“Good.” She grins. “Might mean I stand a chance of passing my exams. Now answer the question.”
I stare into my coffee as if it holds the answers. “He made me feel… alive. Not just because I basically saw God every time I had an orgasm but in this deeper, scary way. It’s like I’d been walking through life half-asleep, and he switched the lights on.”
Chloe’s watching me closely. “You mean the kink stuff?”
I shrug. “Partly. It’s not just about the ropes or the paddles or the power games. It’s about feeling seen. About trusting someone enough to give them the wheel and knowing they won’tcrash you into a wall. And it’s about” – I pause, swallowing hard – “finally feeling safe enough and sexy enough to ask for what I want and to give it in return.”
Sloane gives a small, sad smile. “So, you’re not just missing him, you’re missing how he made you feel when you were together. You’re missing the new you that he drew out of you.”
And that’s it. That’s the bruise I keep pressing on without realising. I nod, blinking hard. “Yeah. Exactly that.”
There’s a long pause where none of us quite knows what to say. Because where the fuck do you go when the man you’ve given your heart to has effectively tried to hand it back?
Sloane straightens. “Alright, let’s make a plan for today. We can wallow in ice cream and watchSteel Magnoliasor we can go for bottomless brunch and then hit that bougie new sex shop in Notting Hill.”
Chloe lifts her hand. “I’d like to vote for option two, please.”
Sloane grins. “Excellent. There’s a dildo I’ve had my eye on that’s made of solid glass.”
Despite myself, I laugh. “Christ, you two are unhinged. Never change.”
“This weekend is all about you, babe,” Chloe says, rising from the bed. “Next week you can deal with your idiot brother and your emotionally incompetent fuck buddy.”
I smile but inwardly I’m groaning. The weight of those conversations is already heavy on my mind. I’m furious with both of them.
I’m not ready to forgive Luke. And I’m nowhere near ready to let him go.
CHAPTER 42
Emmy
By the endof the weekend, I’m exhausted, sugar high, and £120 lighter after Sloane convinced me to buy a giant crimson dildo in the shape of a tentacle. I’ve cried a lot but I’ve laughed more. And even though I’m still filled with rage and hurt, I know there are some conversations that need to happen before I bottle it and lose my nerve.
Which is why I called in sick to work and am now standing on Nick and Priya’s front step. I press the doorbell and step back. Footsteps ring out and Priya pulls the door open. Her expression shifts rapidly from surprise to understanding and she pulls me in for a hug before I’ve even said hello.
“I thought you could use a hug,” she explains, pulling the door wider so I can come in.
“Thanks Priya,” I say, giving her a half-smile. “Is he here?”
She nods. “Upstairs in his office. Come chat to me first? I’ll make you a coffee.”
I follow her to the kitchen and lean against the counter while she locates two mugs from the draining board.
“I don’t fully understand what happened,” she says carefully, fiddling with the espresso machine. “I’ve only heard what Nick told me when he got home on Friday. But I know one thing: atthe baby shower, that little scene I saw in the kitchen looked like something special. And you and I both know Luke – he’s loyal, almost to a fault. If he’s walked away, it isn’t because he doesn’t care.”
She sets the mug down in front of me. “You and Nick need to talk. And I suspect you and Luke do too. Because I think there’s a good chance you’ve been making each other very happy, even if it was far away from prying eyes. And I’d hate for anyone, no matter who, to stand in the way of that.” She gives me a pointed look as she flicks her eyes up to the ceiling.
I blink a few times to try and clear the tears that are forming, and Priya leans over to squeeze my shoulder, her huge belly brushing my own.
“I’ll let Nick know you’re here,” she whispers and disappears up the stairs.
