And now I was pretending I was a raider.
I didn’t know who I was anymore.
What I did know was that the hotel was hooked up to solar panels, and there was running water in the bathroom,even if it was lukewarm and a bit murky. It wasn’t tinged red, which meant there’d been some kind of filtration system hooked up at some point. Even if the people around here grew up in a city that had more rain than not, we still did our best to avoid it when we could. Intentionally exposing yourself to rain was too much like tempting fate, too much like giving yourself over to being a complete animal.
I ran my hand under the murky water and waited to see if it tingled against my skin. I didn’t feel more violent; I didn’t feel like I needed to fuck. The water on my skin didn’t wake up any of the primal urges that the red rain did. It was just water. It wasn’t perfect, but it was enough to wash the smell of blood and sex from my skin. When I came out again, Phoenix was waiting. He stepped forward, checking to make sure the collar he’d put on me last night was still in place.
I told myself I’d kept it on because I didn’t want to piss him off and risk a repeat of the brutality that was still aching in my muscles with the most delicious burn.
His fingers trailed over the bite marks he’d left on my shoulder, and he lifted his eyes to mine curiously when he realized they were already half closed up, healing into neat scars days ahead of when they should.
“Youreallydon’t break easy, do you?” He’d asked me the same thing that first night we’d met, hadn’t he? I dropped to the bed to pull on my boots as I answered.
“People keep trying, but here I am.”
My vision swam at the sight of his thick thighs as he stepped into me, and his fingers caught the edge of the metal around my throat to pull my attention up to his. I wasworried he was going to ask mewhyI was so resilient. Instead, he had a little container in his hand, and I knew what he was going to do the second he dipped his fingers into it and brought them to my face.
Phoenix painted the mask of a raider back across my features, and the possessive look on his face while he did it made something inside me burn.
This…
I could bethisAubrey. This raider.
This Aubrey was so far from the man I’d been that it felt like I could breathe for the first time.
When he was done, he took the paint with him as he stepped into the shower. I waited until he was finished and dressed, then followed him out.
The smell of cooking meat told me that the rest of Phoenix’s group hadn’t let the men and women we’d killed go to waste. My stomach churned when I noticed the half-butchered bodies piled up and burning on a separate fire—as much as I thought I was someone different, I still couldn’t accept the mysterious chunk of burned meat that was offered to me a few minutes later.
I turned to my bag instead. He hadn’t stopped me from slinging it over my shoulder this morning, like the collar around my throat was some kind of promise that I wouldn’t try to leave again.
He didn’t understand that it had nothing to do with the collar and everything to do with the driving need I had to clear Paradise, to bring it to life.
He had no idea that it had nothing to do with the metaland everything to do with the memory of his hand around my throat.
I didn’t want to think of either of the reasons. Instead, I dug into my bag and pulled out another pack of rations.
Phoenix rolled his eyes. “You’re going to run out of those eventually, you know. What are you going to do then?”
My eyes dropped back to the meat he brought to his lips, and I shrugged.
“I’ll worry about that when I get there.”
I’d spent years figuring out how to feed myself and I hadn’t resorted to eating a person yet. I was pretty sure I could manage the few weeks it would take us to clear out this place.
Only a few weeks. I had to tell myself that I couldn’tstay.
As much as some part of me was already craving the sensation from last night again—that numbness, the possession, the need to completely lose myself to submission—I knew it wasn’t something I could keep.
I knew better than to get attached to anything, because the world around me had the worst way of proving that nothing was really mine to keep.
Phoenix would be better off if I never made the mistake of thinking he was mine, and I’d be better off reminding myself that this was nothing but a moment in time—fire sparking and burning everything around us to ash.
Eventually it would burn out, and I’d have to move on.
“If we look around, I’m sure they have a map of this place somewhere.” I had no idea how he’d take to me making suggestions, but he held up a hand and motioned to the grouparound the fire.
“Blythe, has anyone found maps?”
