"Yeah, what?" Jesse says in a muffled voice, and I realize someone's in the background talking to him. My stomach clenches unpleasantly, until I remember he’s staying at his brother’s house, and their three college-age kids are home for the summer. I know he loves spending time with them, so I decide to end our conversation so he can get back to his family. And before I say something stupid that makes me look like an insecure fool.
"Listen, love, it sounds like you're busy there. I should let you go. But you have a good night," I say, injecting as much warmth into my voice as I can. "And good luck with the meeting with the Governor tomorrow. You and Jeff will do a bang up job, I'm certain."
“Thank you, Martin." I can hear the smile in his voice. "I, um.. I miss you. Sleep well.”
My heart warms, and I tell myself I’m being truly ridiculous to worry. Jesse cares for me. He makes it obvious in every one of our interactions.
“I’m glad you called, Jesse. You sleep well also. We’ll talk tomorrow, yeah?”
“Absolutely. Good night.”
After ending the call, I stare at the phone in my hand, a mix of emotions swirling inside me. Fear, jealousy, and an overwhelming sense of helplessness.
I know Jesse needs to face his past, but I can’t shake the worry that Andrew might be trying to worm his way back into Jesse’s life.And where does that leave me?
Later that night, I toss and turn in bed, the sheets tangled around my legs. I think back to that night we'd both had trouble sleeping and we bumped into each other in the kitchen. That moment where we almost kissed drove me crazy. I'd had to jerk off as soon as I got beck to my bed, even though he'd gone running out of the kitchen like his ass was on fire.
I keep replaying our conversation tonight about Andrew. My stupid imagination conjures up images of them sitting across from each other at some fancy San Francisco restaurant, reconnecting over a bottle of wine.
What if Andrew apologizes? What if he’s changed?
I know Jesse. He’s forgiving to a fault. He simply doesn't hold grudges, it's kind of amazing. That's one of the things I lo—No. Don’t even think that word.
But it’s true. Jesse’s capacity for forgiveness is beautiful. And terrifying.
My chest tightens as I imagine Jesse listening to Andrew’s excuses, his warm brown eyes softening with understanding. Because that’s who Jesse is. He sees the best in people, even when they don’t deserve it.
I roll onto my back, staring at the ceiling. The room feels big and empty without Jesse here. I’ve grown used to his presence, his steady breathing beside me at night.
This, right here, is the reason I've been so damn careful to keep my sex life to impersonal hookups only. Because these feelings, these fears crowding my mind right now are acutely painful. Worse than the occasional bout of loneliness.I fucking hate it.
What if I lose him?
The thought hits me like a physical blow. I’ve been here before. The sickening, creeping fear settling into my bones is familiar, even though it's been so long since I've felt it. When Richard was first diagnosed the fear that filled me back then is eerily similar to what I feel now.
My god, I’m going to be all alone.Again.
I’ve spent more than half my life alone, and just as long telling myself I'm perfectly okay with it.
And now, the second I decide to even think about letting my walls down, the second I allow myself to dream, even for a moment, of a life where I’m not a lone wolf, out here in the world with no one, it gets ripped away.
Richard’s loss still aches, a wound that’s never fully healed. And if I lose Jesse now… I'm not sure I'll be able to put myself back together again.
I squeeze my eyes shut, willing the thoughts away. I’m overreacting. I’m being ridiculous.I know it's true. I'm being silly. But the thoughts won’t stop.
What if Jesse decides he made a mistake with me? What if Andrew is his true love, and I’m just… a placeholder?
The fear wraps around me like a cold, damp blanket. I’ve allowed myself to get too comfortable, too hopeful.
I should have known better.
Chapter 12
Jesse
Walking into Il Forchetta, I’m disoriented for a moment, like I’ve stepped through a portal back in time and the last two and a half years haven’t happened. Before we moved to San Diego, this was my favorite restaurant. Andrew never liked it; it wasn’t fancy enough for him. Which is why I picked it for tonight’s meeting.Spiteful? Yes. Do I give one single shit? No.
I spot him at a table in the back.
