Chapter 22
CASE
Iopenmyeyesslowly, and for a split second I’m back at the cabin, waking up next to Matt. The feeling that he should be right beside me is so strong that instinctively I reach over to grab him, but as soon as my hand hits the cool, soft sheets of my parents’ guest bedroom I’m plunged back into reality as if someone poured a bucket of cold water over my head.
“Pffft.” I blow out a long breath, trying to breathe out the anxiety and frustration building up in my chest. I didn’t get in until late last night, and I was exhausted after the long drive, a flight, followed by another drive from San Diego up to Pasadena, so I went straight to bed after I arrived. When I shuffle into the kitchen, I find my mom in the sun-filled nook where she has a cozy seating area. Growing up, she would often sit here quietly in the mornings before we would all wake up and the daily chaos would begin.
“Case, chéri, come here baby!” she smiles widely when she sees me, opening her arms and enveloping me in one of her amazing mom hugs.
Sophie Radner-Armstrong grew up in America, but her family is French, and she spent every summer in France until she was in her mid-twenties. Her normal speaking voice doesn’t hold even a trace of French accent, but occasionally, if she’s extra tired or stressed, you can hear just a smidge. Because of my dad’s job in politics, she always worked to not have an accent, not wanting to seem ‘different’. She raised all of us to be Americans, but she always ensured we knew all about our French family history and traditions.
“Case, love, sit down. How are you doing, sweetie? Coffee?” she asks with a smile, indicating the French press she’s using to top off her coffee mug.
“Yeah, thanks maman,” I say, and when she places my mug in front of me, extra sweet, just how I like it, a warm feeling of belonging spreads through my chest. Suddenly I’m struck by a thought: I had the same warm feeling when I was with Matt. That sense of comfort and trust. Knowing I can be 100% myself, and I’m safe.
Mom looks at me, and right away she knows something’s up. The woman misses nothing. “Tell me what’s happening, baby,” she smiles encouragingly, taking a sip of her own coffee.
I don’t even hesitate. I lay it all out for her, starting with the night in Chicago and finishing with how I felt when I drove away from the cabin yesterday.
When I’m finished, she sits back in her chair and takes a long drink from her mug.
“So, it sounds like this Matthew is someone special, yes?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about another person. And that’s scaring the living shit out of me. Because what if something happened and I lost him?” I shake my head. “It’s just easier when you don’t get attached to anyone, you know? I don’t like being that vulnerable.”
She nods slowly. “Case, I’m going to be honest, okay? I don’t want you to feel hurt by anything I’m saying, okay?”
“Ooookay? I say, giving her a confused look.
“Case, when you were a little boy, you were always so cautious, whereas your brother Danny was always wild and fearless. The other kids all fell somewhere in the middle, but I always felt like you and Danny were like two sides of a coin. You two were so close, and you loved each other so much, but you were so very different. As much as I love both of you, I used to wish sometimes that you could each break off a small chunk of your personalities and trade them. Because I always worried you would miss out on things because you were so cautious, and that Danny would take a foolish risk and hurt himself.”
“I know, maman, and look what happened to Danny. He took a risk, and he didn’t come home!” I say sharply.
“I thought that way for a long time too, and I was so angry that he would take a foolish risk for no reason, just to chase the adrenaline. But it slowly dawned on me that I was wrong. I talked with all his friends who were with him that day, and many of his other friends as well. Every single one of them agreed Danny was the most safety conscious of everyone. They were all careful, but it was always Danny who would make sure the final checks were done on their equipment, made sure they always tested their avalanche beacons before every outing. They even said they would tease him about it.” She smiles before taking another sip of coffee.
“Danny wasn’t taking an unreasonable risk at all. He just wasn’t letting his fear hold him back from doing what he wanted to do. He always made safe, smart decisions, minimizing the risk as much as possible, but he still experienced all the things he wanted to. What happened out there that day was just random chance. And I know to the depths of my soul that Danny was as well prepared as he could have possibly been. He did everything right, and we lost him anyway. But do you know what I realized, baby?”
I shake my head.
"It's not that he wasn’t scared, he was, but he did what he wanted to do anyway. He prepared and tried to minimize the risks, but then he did the things he dreamed of doing. Your brother had some amazing experiences in his short life. And while I would give anything to have him back, it gives me comfort knowing that he lived his life to the very fullest.”
I’m speechless for a few moments, processing what she's saying. I've never thought of Danny's life and death that way before.
“Sweetie, you’re in your 40s now." My mom continues. "You’ve made a wonderful life for yourself, and I’m so proud of you. But I know you’ve held yourself back from things out of fear. I didn’t used to worry so much about it, since you always seemed happy. But hearing how you talk about this Matthew… It’s clear you want to be with him. But it sounds like you’re letting your fear hold you back. And that worries me.” She pauses to take a sip of coffee.
"If you both want to be together, if this will bring you happiness, then be brave, my love. Fight for it. If he’s letting fear hold him back, you be brave enough for both of you. It’s okay to be afraid. But do it anyway. Don’t miss out on the possibility of something wonderful.”
Chapter 23
MATT
Afterarrivinghome,Itry to distract myself from missing Case, but after a few days, even thinking about work and brainstorming new game ideas isn’t working.
It’s still the dead week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve where we keep the office closed because no one works during that time, anyway. I’m alone in my office, sitting at my desk, trying desperately to lose myself in work.
Hunter has been trying to get hold of me for the last couple of days, but I’ve been conveniently missing his calls and making excuses over text, telling him how busy I am trying to catch up. I know he won’t believe me, but I’m not ready to explain why I’m such a mopey, grumpy fucker.
When the phone on my desk rings and I see that it’s Michele calling, I know I’m busted. She rarely calls my office, but I’ve dodged one of her calls too, so she’s determined to track me down.
