I’m a goddamn idiot. How did I not even think about the possibility of an avalanche? The day after a heavy snowfall can be one of the most dangerous times for avalanches. That's basic mountain safety. I should have at least had it in the back of my mind that seeing or hearing one was possible.
Taking another deep breath, I try to focus only on the physical sensation of the hot water coursing over my skin, and Matt’s warm, wet skin pressed up against mine. His hands are gliding slowly up and down my back, soothing me, and I can feel some of the shock wearing off. I feel like Matt would be happy to stand here with me all day with me, just letting me feel what I need to. When I open my eyes, his face is full of concern. Placing a gentle kiss on his mouth, I whisper softly. “I’m feeling better. Thank you.”
Reaching up, he caresses my cheek, and I press into him like a cat, loving the sensation. “Ready to get out?” I ask softly a moment later.
“If you are.” He gives me another of those gentle smiles.
I reach back to shut off the water, and we each grab a huge, fluffy towel from the stack beside the shower.
I know it’s ridiculous. Like seriously, utterly ridiculous, but I can’t shake the feeling that maybe seeing the avalanche was some kind of sign. I don’t even believe in that kind of shit. As a psychologist, I understand how our brains can trick us into believing stuff that isn’t real. But even knowing all that, there’s this niggling feeling at the back of my mind that I need to learn something from that avalanche today.
Even though I’m calmer now, my mind is still spinning with thoughts of my brother, and Matt, and what I should do now that I’ve realized my feelings. But I still have no idea how we’re going to make things work.
After we dry off and get dressed, Matt leads me to the living room couch. “I’m going to make us some hot chocolate and snacks. You stay here.”
“Oh, I can help-” I say, but he holds up a hand to stop me.
“Just let me take care of you, okay?” He says sternly. Then his voice softens. “It makes me feel good.”
A few minutes later he’s back with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate, which he sets on the coffee table, and then he zips back into the kitchen, returning with a big plate of cookies and other treats.
“Wow, where were you hiding those?” I laugh when I see the treats.
He grins. “I actually forgot I brought this stuff. Hazard of over-packing, I suppose.” He grins.
He sits down next to me and we both sip our hot cocoa and munch on the cookies.
“So, are you okay?” he asks. “I understand if seeing an avalanche freaks you out.”
“I’m okay,” I sigh, and pause to blow on my hot chocolate before taking another sip. "I'm nervous and agitated, though. I should probably meditate or something. Not that I really know how." I roll my eyes.
“What are you agitated about?” he asks, taking another bite of cookie.
I breathe out a sigh. “True honesty? I’m nervous about us. I just can't see a realistic way for us to make a relationship work. But I don’t want to lose you.” His face is understanding, and he reaches for my hand, giving it a squeeze. “Matt, I’ve never felt anything like this before. My feelings for you are… really strong. But I’ve been so determined never to get attached to anyone for so long, part of me is resisting. My brain is coming up with every reason in the world why we could never work.”
“I understand,” he says softly.
“Losing Danny, and before that, the car accident I was in with Reed, showed me how fragile life is. No warning, just poof, someone you love more than anything can be gone one day. Other than Reed and my immediate family, I’ve wanted nothing to do with getting close to people, because the more people I care about, the greater the chances are that something could happen to them.”
Matt nods, but remains quiet.
“I’m just really, fucking scared.” I whisper to him, not meeting his eyes. “I’m not strong enough to survive losing someone I love again. And I’m worried about our chances of being successful in this relationship. Are we setting ourselves up to fail? And if we are, what’s the point? Is it better to cut ourselves off now to spare the heartbreak? I don’t know, Matt.” I know I’m babbling, barely making sense. I lean forward and cover my face with my hands.
“Case, I’m scared too,” he whispers, squeezing my hand again. “We may have to leave here tomorrow, but we don’t have to have all the answers about our relationship right now. We have a lot to figure out, and we don’t have all the information yet. Making a big decision without knowing all the info seems unwise, don’t you think?”
I nod, trying really hard to let his sensible words sink in so I believe them.
He moves his hand soothingly up and down my leg, and when I look at him, I see someone who’s confident and put together. Someone who knows how to take charge when a situation seems like it’s falling apart. And it’s hot as fuck.
“What I know is that we’ll see each other as much as we can. Maybe next week we sit down with both our calendars and figure out good travel weeks. We can take this one day at a time for now. Does that make sense?”
“Right. Okay. I can do that.” I say, letting out a big breath. As much as I want to believe it will be okay, it doesn’t feel right to leave this place without a solid plan for the future. But I don't know what else we can do.
Chapter 21
MATT
Thenextmorningisanother lovely day of blue sky and just a few puffy white clouds. But I can't shake the dark cloud hanging over my head. I know I told Case I didn’t think managing a long distance relationship would be a problem, but I’m nervous, too.
