“Of course I want to try. I don’t know how it will work either. But we’re two smart people. We can figure it out.”
My gut unclenches, and I breathe out a sigh of relief. I’m still sitting with a mountain of uncertainty, but at least we both want to try. That’s something.
Chapter 19
CASE
AlthoughknowingMattwantsto continue our relationship after we leave the cabin is a huge relief, I’m still concerned about how we’re going to make it happen. But that’s a problem for the future. Right now, we have another day before we have to go our separate ways, so I’m going to focus all my energy on living in the moment.
“Hey, since it’s finally stopped snowing, and we’ve been cooped up in here for days, want to head out for a hike today?" I suddenly blurt out. "I bet the trails around here will be absolutely stunning with all the snow.”
Matt’s eyes light up, and the warm feeling in my stomach that I’m quickly becoming addicted to spreads through my body. God, I love it when his smile reaches his eyes.
“I bet it’s breathtaking out there. Let's do it! Breakfast first?” he asks, and I nod.
After we eat, we suit up, since even though the sun is shining, it's still bitterly cold. When we get outside, the sunshine almost feels sharp, like it’s slicing through the snow. I pull in a long breath through my nose, blowing it out through my mouth and laughing as my breath clouds up the air and the little hairs in my nose feel like they're freezing together.
“God, I love the smell of the air up here,” I say. “There’s nothing like it. I understand why Danny loved it up here so much. I think he would have settled up here somewhere, eventually.”
We’re headed down toward the river. I don’t plan to venture far up the trails, but if we’re lucky, we’ll be able to find a lookout where there will be stunning views. Wild, untamed, rugged mountains, slicing upwards, looking like they could tear a hole in the bright blue fabric of the sky.
Matt grabs my hand. “Yeah? You think he would have settled up here, even with your whole family in California?” he asks.
“Yeah. I can see him living in one of these little mountain towns, skiing in the winter and mountain biking and hiking in the summers. I bet he would run some kind of tour business, back country guiding, or heli-ski tours or something. He would have loved that. He was built for the outdoors, unlike most of the rest of our family.” I smile wistfully.
Matt gives my hand a squeeze. “I love that you can think of him that way. That you can see him being happy and settled, doing something he loves.”
We continue our walk, enjoying the sunshine and fresh air. The path leads us slowly upwards, and eventually we round a corner to find a spot exactly like I'd been hoping for. The path widens out, and there's a gap in the trees, opening up the view across the valley. Dozens of mountain peaks spread out in all directions, all topped with brilliant white powder that looks like someone has sprinkled them with icing sugar.
We stand together in silence for a few moments, holding hands and just enjoying the beauty that surrounds us. Matt leans into me, and I pull him closer, wrapping my arms around him, my front pressed to his back.
Suddenly, we hear a strange ‘whumph’ sound in the distance, causing my hackles to rise, suddenly on full alert. There’s no mistaking that sound. There’s an avalanche coming. Immediately, my body goes into panic mode and I’m desperate to see where it’s coming from. But when I look toward the top of the hill directly behind us, everything looks calm and stable. Suddenly, Matt yanks my hand.
“Over there!” He’s pointing toward the other side of the river, where there’s a huge cloud of what looks like white smoke rising from the steep slope.
“Oh my god," I whisper. A huge chunk of snow has broken off and is sliding down the side of the mountain. It's way too far away to cause any danger for us, but my nervous system doesn’t seem to have received that message. I can’t catch my breath.Shit.I don’t want to lose it and have a panic attack right here on the side of the mountain. Closing my eyes, I try to slow my breathing. I try to do the 'find five things' exercise to reconnect with my senses and calm down, but I can't get through it. Matt places his hand on my cheek, trying to get me to focus on him. “Case, it’s okay. We're safe. It’s on the other side of the river.”
Taking deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth, I open my eyes slowly, looking immediately toward the slide zone. There’s still snow floating around the area like flour in a baker’s kitchen. If the noise the snow made when it first shifted hadn't plunged me immediately into 'fight or flight' mode, I would have been able to tell it was too far away to be a threat, but that sound is a powerful trigger for me.
“I’m okay,” I say softly. Matthew’s face is a mask of concern. I try to force a smile. “Can we head back now?" I whisper.
“Of course, baby. Let’s go.” Leaving his glove off, he grabs my hand again, leaving us skin to skin, and he leads us back to the path.
Chapter 20
MATT
Lessthananhourafter we watched the avalanche on the other side of the river, we’re back at the cabin. Case still looks as pale as the snow, and he was silent on the walk back. I feel terrible for him. When he heard that sound of the snow, he started shaking like a leaf and all the color drained from his face. He looks a little better now, but I’ll won’t be able to relax until I get him sitting comfortably on the couch with a hot drink in his hand.
I reach out to hug him once we've lost our heavy coats, and I realize he's drenched with sweat. The blue UCLA sweatshirt he’s wearing is so wet it's practically dripping. His hair is wet too, and while he’s got more color in his face than he did an hour ago, he still looks pale and shaken.
“Okay, honey, change of plans.” I start. “I was going to get you settled on the couch with some hot chocolate and snacks, but you need a shower first. Come on.”
He just looks at me and nods wordlessly, so I take his hand and pull him into the bathroom. I close the door and crank up the temperature on the shower until steam billows from behind the glass. Case is just standing there, his face almost blank, letting me fuss over him.
“Is it okay if I join you in there?” I ask him, and he smiles and nods, so I help him out of his clothes and ditch mine quickly. I step into the shower first, pulling him in behind me. Putting my arms around him, I turn us so the hot water cascades over his back and shoulders, and we stand like that for a few minutes. He buries his face in the crook of my neck and lets me slowly glide the soap over his back. Stepping back from him just enough to get a hand between us, I wash his front, taking tender care with all his parts. This feels so much more intimate than anything we've done, far more intimate than sex. Case is so vulnerable right now, and that he’s letting me see him this way means more than I would have ever thought. A powerful urge to protect and care for him sits squarely in my chest, and I know without a doubt I would do anything in my power to keep him safe and shield him from this kind of pain.
CASE
