“Gay. A lesbian. I like women, all right?” It sounded like the words were caught in her throat, and it took everything to get them out.
It was like I’d been hit by a truck. Never before would I have thought that Amador—the spoiled duchess who flaunted her betrothal to Lucas in my face, who took every chance to hang off his arm when I was near, who made every interaction with her an act of torture—wasn’t who I thought she was.
And then I realized, maybe all the hate between us had never been about me at all.
Amador’s face had turned bright red. She didn’t look at me as she spoke. Her eyes, shiny and forlorn, were turned to the floor.
“I’m not judging you for being a lesbian, if that’s what you’re afraid of,” I said.
“It’s not that. It’s…You don’t understand anything about me. Okay? Court politics are brutal. As the grand duchess and my family’s only child, I have to find security and keep our family’s political standing. My father…he’s not absent. He’s hiding. He made bad investments, and our entire future hinges on me now to pay back his debtors. It’s all on me…When I was a child, my mom always told me that I would marry a handsome man someday, a man who could protect me, give me children of my own, give me a title. But I’d known even then that I was different…I toldmy mother that I liked girls. She laughed at me like I was joking, and said I didn’t. And I wanted to believe her. Because otherwise, that meant I was different.
“I thought something was wrong with me, so I felt like I had to prove to the world that I was in love with Lucas. I tried to convince everyone that we were in love, because maybe then I could convincemyselfthat we were in love. But nothing changed. I still liked girls. Me being happy doesn’t matter. My parents only want to think about their position in court, and they’ll use me to get what they want.”
“Does Lucas know?” I asked.
Amador swallowed thickly and nodded. “He was one of the first people I came out to. He was one of theonlypeople I’ve ever told.” She glared at me. “I guess now you, too.”
“So he’s still marrying you?”
“He’s protecting me,” she said. “He would never hurt me. He’s keeping my secret. He promised never to tell anyone. And I owe him everything. He even talked to some smugglers about sneaking me out of the country so we wouldn’t have to marry, but there is a magical clause in our oath of devotion that keeps me bound to him. My mother made us sign it, and I didn’t know about the clause at the time. We signed it right when we got engaged. I found out the day we came here.”
Amador was signing away her freedom just as much as Lucas was signing away his. It all started to make sense. This whole time, I’d thought Lucas used me, lied to me, dumped me…But now I understood. He couldn’t be with me, not for selfish reasons butout of duty to his oldest friend. He wasn’t who I had thought he was. He was noble and kind, and he was going to sacrifice his own happiness to protect someone else.
Was this why he had been talking with Romulo? To get Amador out of Biringan City?
When I’d asked Lucas that night we met Qian why he was marrying Amador, why he’d lied to me, and he said he couldn’t tell me, it was because he’d made a promise to her. And I’d hated him for it.
My heart lodged itself in my throat. It explained so much, especially all those times we kissed. His desire to be with me was so powerful, but he wasn’t a cheater. He was true and good. Again, I’d misjudged him.
“Can’t you call off the engagement?” I asked.
“I can’t.” Tears swam in her eyes. “I wish I could, but I can’t. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to be with the person I love.”
Roses and mint…Those were what she had smelled in the flower. Her heart really did belong to someone else. “What’s stopping you?” I asked.
“You don’t get it!” she snapped. “The oath of devotion is powerful magic. It binds our souls together. If either one of us breaks our promise to the other, we die. We need magic to lift it, but my family is determined to see me married. I’m powerless.” The word escaped her like the wind had been pushed from her lungs, and I realized it was because she was crying. She laughed breathily. “I’m literally powerless.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can create lightning, storms, or I used to be able to…Ever since I came to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian, I haven’t been able to do so much as summon a static shock.”
“And you’ve been taking out your insecurities on me.”
“I don’t need a therapy session from you!” Amador snapped.
Seeing her like this, her eye makeup smearing down her cheeks and her face getting all puffy, made her look…well, human.
“So, since I’m going to die here, you might as well know! There you go! Are you happy now?”
“No,” I said truthfully. My heart hurt for her, and that was honestly something I never thought would have happened. “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
Amador hiccuped and stayed quiet for a moment before saying, “I’m sorry you’re turning into a monster…”
I didn’t think I’d ever heard her say those words before:I’m sorry. An amused smile worked its way onto my lips. “Do you know this is the longest conversation we’ve ever had?”
Amador sniffled but didn’t say anything. Maybe she, too, was thinking about all the times we’d fought. I didn’t know about her, but I was tired of it.
“You’re not going to die here, okay?” I said. “We have to work together if we’re going to get out.”
