“Wow.” If I don’t bring this up now, I might avoid it forever. “Vivvy, I’m sorry I dated Carter.”
Vivian sighs, takes a long sip of seltzer. “It’s not... I think keeping it a secret from me for so long was even more offensive than you being with him.”
“I know.” I grab the LaCroix out of her hand and take a chug; she made it look so good. “But I didn’t want to hurt you. I was trying to protect you. And instead it was the biggest betrayal.”
“Not thebiggest,” Vivian says, swiping the can back. “I mean, it wasn’t good. But it wasn’t—Do you think I’m so pathetic that I couldn’t handle you being with someone I dated when I was a sophomore in high school?”
“It wasn’t justsomeoneyou dated?! That breakup was a big deal. We talked about it a lot! Because it sucked!” My face feels hot, from my passion but also because, well, we are getting a ton of sun. “And, Vivvy, to me you are theoppositeof pathetic. That’s part of the problem! You’re a goddess, and I’m, like, this street urchin.”
“What? That is not—That’s not at all how I see it.”
“Can I have that sunscreen actually?”
“Of course.” Vivian hands it over, and I squirt some into my hand.
“You were right about the brightness,” I say, rubbing it into my cheeks and my neck. “You’re right about everything.”
“Maggie. Come on.”
“No, really! You are. And you know what to do in every situation, and people love you, and that’s just what it is. Another reason I never wanted Carter to know he dated you. I was worried he’dbe like,Oh seriously? What am I doing here with this street urchin? Lemme makethathappen again.”
“That’s silly.”
“But it’s how I feel,” I say, and dammit, here come the tears. “I stopped trying to match up to you a long time ago. You set the bar so high, and Mom has always made that very clear, and I can’t... I can’t compete. I can never compete.”
“Oh, Mags.” Vivian reaches out a hand; I take it as I cry. “I wish I had a tissue to give you—”
“No!” I say, wiping snot away with my available hand. “I’m so fucking glad you don’t have a tissue! Please. It’s such a relief to hear there’s something you haven’t thought of.”
Vivian laughs. “Fair enough.”
“But even though I can’t compete,” I say, “it doesn’t mean I, like, want you to feel bad. So when Carter first started flirting with me, and I was maybe starting to like him, I knew how shitty he’d been to you. So of course I wasn’t going to be with him. But then it... I don’t know, it kind of felt nice to think that Carter might be into me. That I could be on your level.”
“You’realwayson my level,” Vivian says, gripping my hand tighter.
“I’m not. You don’t have to say that. You went to an Ivy League school, you’re good at lots of things, people are drawn to y—”
“Maybe, but I’m also kind of a mess!”
“Nice try,” I say. There’s a roar of laughter from near the appetizer table.
Vivian doesn’t seem to notice it. “No, really,” she says, looking down at our joined hands. “I’ve always admired that you don’t feel constantly compelled to hold yourself to this ridiculously high standard.”
“Uh,” I say. “Thank you?”
“I’m being serious, Maggie!” Vivian is so animated that she accidentally knocks over the LaCroix. “Oops.”
It leaks into the grass before she lets go of my hand to pick it back up.
“Sometimes I see how you’re not uptight about things like I am, or obsessed with doing things perfectly, or pleasing everybody, and I’m so jealous. And honestly, when I understood at the wedding that Carter was there for you and not me, I think I...”
Vivian taps a finger to her lips. It’s her thing when she’s thinking deeply.
“You think you...?”
“I think that part of me, for just a minute, went back to my sixteen-year-old self and felt completely stunned and embarrassed and pissed that you were with the first guy I ever loved.”
“See, that’s what I was terrified of!”
