Alex sat, her arms wrapped around her legs as she pressed herself against the headboard. She patted the white comforter, and I obeyed. It still smelled likeus,and I wondered how long it would take for that to fade. Especially when Joon lingered in the air.
Her eyes were red and puffy. Tissues sat on her bedside table, and clothes sat on the floor instead of her hamper. Alex’s home was always cluttered with items, but never messy.
My fault.
I never deserved her in the first place. I’d tricked myself into believing it — that anything between us could last, that I could actually be good for her. Goodtoher.
“They gave the orders,” she said finally, no emotion in her voice.
“Yes,” I breathed. “I didn’t… I didn’t know. There were more Villains than we’d thought, and the plan was to evacuate everyone before I…”
“Burned it all down?” Her words were a dagger to my heart.
“Yes.”
“And Joon was still inside.”
“… Yes.”
“That’s why there wasn’t a body after,” she chewed her bottom lip until it turned bloody. “You turned him to ash.”
I deserved it; every harsh word, every clip of the tone of her voice, like lashings against my skin. The nightmares were nothing compared to this. Alex refused to meet my eyes, and exhaustion hung on her shoulders. I wanted to reach out, wanted to hold her against me and beg for forgiveness. But I knew my place, at least. I wasn’t allowed to do that anymore.
“I wanted everything to end, after that,” I admitted, something I never thought I would. But if anyone deserved to hear the truth, it was her. “Joon was one of the good guys, and I killed him.”
Her eyes snapped up, and I swallowed hard as my head throbbed.
“I couldn’t live with myself knowing I’d caused that. I thought he was out; theytold methat he was out.” Steam hissed off my skin, and embers shot off my tongue as I remembered theblinding rage I’d felt. But Alex was here, surrounded by so many flammable things, and my temperature cooled instantly. “I still don’t understand it. He should’ve been able to escape.”
“I know,” she replied, and my heart stopped.
I cocked my head, holding my breath.
“I don’t know what happened, or why he wasn’t able to get out,” she swallowed. “And I know that it was an accident. I wish you had told me before I found out.”
I bowed my head. “I know. At the funeral, I saw you there, and I wanted to explain, but… I didn’t think you’d want to hear it, or speak to me. With all the media coverage, I assumed you knew. And then when I had Dahlia look into where you were, part of me wanted to tell you then, too.”
She leaned back, her chest expanding as she took in a deep breath. “So what changed? When you saw me again, why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I’m a coward,” I said, and it was the most certain I’d ever been. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you hating me even more, and I didn’t want to make it worse. And when you stopped… I didn’t want to go back to that again. I didn’t want to be the Villain to you, too.”
Her lips pulled into her mouth as her face turned red; tears rimmed her eyes. She blinked, using the back of her hand to dab at her cheeks. I couldn’t help it, couldn’t control myself from leaning forward and swiping my thumb along her chin, catching the tears that fell.
Alex didn’t flinch away; an undeserved mercy.
“You wanted to tell me that morning,” she sighed. “You tried.”
I swallowed hard. “I waited too long.”
She shifted, biting her thumb before she shook her head. “I don’t blame you for it — his death, I mean.”
I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or destroyed. Alex was giving me grace, and I didn’t deserve an ounce of forgiveness or understanding. I didn’t deserve to be in her presence, to touch her skin, or kiss her lips.
“I wouldn’t blame you if you did,” I croaked.
Alex was stronger than I could ever be, a force that had an endless fire, while I was just a simmering ember. She reached forward, threw her arms around my neck and I froze, terrified of what came next. Was this her way of saying goodbye?
“I can’t take it anymore,” she hiccuped. “I can’t take the grief, I can’t take the anger. I don’t want to hold it—Ican’t.”
