She felt that emotion, that high, with him as he was recalling the various master vampires he had hunted and destroyed. After the centuries-long emptiness, that feeling was impossible to ignore. She caught glimpses of the discussions the triplets had over the best ways to stay safe as well as keep to their code of honor. She saw their struggles, felt them, that pull, the need of battle—and she understood.
“It would have been bad enough had it ended there, but we realized there were changes taking place in us as well when we destroyed our enemies. Before, we were aware we were sacrificing pieces of our soul, but we knew our lifemate could make it all right. The scarring the kills are leaving on us is different, and it appears to be permanent. What that means for our future, I don’t know.”
Tomas sighed and stroked another caress along the left side of her face. “I don’t know what it means for us as a couple or for future generations. I tried to have a discussion with my brothers about the possibility of not claiming our lifemates because we didn’t have a clear future, but the moment I heard you, I saw you, all good intentions went out the window.”
She felt the conflict in him. The worry. The guilt. He had claimed her because the compulsion to do so was too strong to overcome. She could have told him it wasn’t just a compulsion. It was centuries of conditioning. Of culture. Of believing in the Carpathian bond between a man and a woman. She was struggling to understand it and could testify how complex that bond really was. She wasn’t Carpathian, but she was as caught in it as Tomas.
“I intended to reveal all of this before our third blood exchange, but I should have done so before making my claim.”
Sarika didn’t like the way he held himself so responsible for events he had little control over. In theory, it sounded good that he wanted to have a perfect code of honor, but that was never going to be reality for anyone. She was grateful. She could never live up to such perfection. She was anything but that.
“I’m happy with you the way you are, Tomas. I hope you see the real me. I have panic attacks at the worst possible moments. I charge into the fire when I see something is wrong and I want to fix it. I do a lot of things that may make you wish you had a different lifemate. And as much as I’m committed to this path, I don’t want to risk my jaguar or my ability to help my people. I expect you to help me monitor those things when the time comes. If things go awry, I would want to talk over with you how we can fix things before we proceed.”
Any other man, she doubted if she would trust, when he had the ability to compel her obedience and then hide from her what he’d done. She felt, in such a short time of using the intimate telepathic communication and the letters they had shared over the years, that she knew the heart of him.
“I see the real you, Sarika,” he assured.
“Since we agree that we’re going to continue forward, you might want to prepare me for what to expect. I caught glimpses of Solange after her third blood exchange, but not too much seemed to transpire. That doesn’t fit with the shadows I see in your mind.”
“My brothers, Luiz and the others will aid you, but it is painful. Your organs will be reshaped, and you must die as a human and be reborn as a Carpathian.”
Sarika pressed her lips together to keep from blurting out her first response, which would have beenhellno. “Put like that, it doesn’t sound like much fun.” She went for levity, because really, what could one say to that revelation? “And for your information, I look human, but I’m fully jaguar shifter. I have a jaguar and a legacy to protect.” She was adamant, hoping he would listen to her. She needed him to hear her when she stated she wouldn’t allow anything to happen to her jaguar side.
“I know of two people—one is Solange and her jaguar—who remained nearly the same. She is Carpathian in that she can go to ground, but she also can walk in the sun, and no Carpathian can do that. It’s said her blood can extend our time in the early morning hours or allow us to rise an hour before sunset. Dominic said it is ‘iffy’ and can’t be relied on.”
“And the second one?”
“Her name is MaryAnn. She isn’t jaguar; she’s Lycan. When she was converted, she remained both. I believe you will as well. You have a gift, Sarika, one that I don’t understand, but I know it’s very powerful. I think that gift is a very integral part of who you are and can’t be taken from you.”
She liked that, mostly because she knew he meant it. If his belief in her was that strong, she wanted to believe as well. Her gift had always been a part of her. It had grown stronger as she got older, but she couldn’t imagine not having it. When she was around other formidable women, that wonderful power in her magnified and spread, responding to feminine supremacy.
She knew the empowerment had little to do with gender. If she tried to use her gift for her own gain, it would fail every time, and there would most likely be repercussions falling back on her. While she knew her gift was potent enough to be a weapon, again, she couldn’t use it for personal power or gain.
“When we make our second exchange, Sarika, it will only add to our need to be together. You are still aboveground, and if you wake before sunset, you will feel grief. Your mind will reach for mine, and if I don’t respond, you will believe me to be deceased. That is your mind playing tricks on you. You’ll have to be very strong. I will attempt to wake as early as possible, even if I cannot rise, so if you’re in need, I will be able to communicate with you.”
“We’re going to do the second exchange tonight?” She tried to push down the trepidation, reminding herself she wanted this. She didn’t want to give herself too much time to think about it. She needed to continue on the path of commitment.
He stroked another long caress down the back of her head. Her heart tripped. Stuttered. Even her stomach did a slow roll.
Sarika made up her mind. If she could at least control a small part of it, if she felt it was her decision as well as what was necessary, she knew she would do so much better. She took a deep breath and let it out. Another one for clarity and then she made her daring suggestion.
“I think you need to give me the full effect of Carpathian abilities, Tomas,” she ventured, trying not to blush. Just making the suggestion made her feel not only empowered but sexy, something she’d never felt in her life.
His thumb traced her jaw gently. “What would that entail?”
“A real bed, not a hammock. Lots of my favorite candles. Wave your hand and do the clothes thing. I wanted to experience that the moment I heard about it. If we’re going to do this, shouldn’t we do it right?”
“I told you that you’d be safe with me. In a bed, with candles and without clothes, you aren’t safe. There is no way, especially when we exchange blood, that things aren’t going to get out of hand.”
Sarika managed to look him in the eye, even if it was very brief. “I was rather hoping for the part where things get out of hand.”
“I always accommodate my lady,” Tomas said. “Show me what you like in the way of beds and candles and the room setup. Your wildest dreams.”
Sarika hadn’t thought in terms of a room being in her wildest dreams. The best she’d been able to do was dream of being with Tomas.Hewas her wildest dream. She tried to think of what the bedroom had been like. She loved candles, and she had pictured a room lit with many candles and a wide, very comfortable bed with four posters. She had always liked the way a bed looked with sturdy columns for posts. She shared that with him.
Tomas waved his hand, and instantly the bedroom was transformed. They were no longer lying together on the hammock. The dark blue sheets covering the bed were luxurious, woven of bamboo, cooling, perfect for the tropical setting. Sarika was very happy they were still in their clothes. She had asked for this. She wanted this, but she wasn’t quite ready.
Dozens of flames flickered throughout the room, some lit up in sconces on the walls, while other candles were set in pillars around the room. Those flames cast shadows on the ceiling. Even the sconces lit the ceiling and didn’t shine on the walls so that the room seemed to be huge, a dark, mysterious cavern with the bed as the focus.
