She gives me a sad smile. “Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. The pain and trauma live inside of you forever. Moving on means accepting what happened but deciding it willnot dictate how you live your life. It will always be part of you and what shaped who you are as a person, but it doesn’t need to define you.”
“What about the guilt?” I choke out. “It’s the guilt that overwhelms me.”
Understanding dawns on her face. “Guilt is a funny thing. Whether real or perceived, it can really bring you down. It is an inevitable part of life. Maybe it’s guilt because you ate the last piece of cake when someone else wanted it, or it could be guilt that you lied to someone. Either way, guilt is a part of life.”
“I feel guilty for my actions that led us here. I put Maggie in danger. I worried my brother and started a war he didn’t need. Asher…” I trail off, unable to voice my guilt over him.
“Guilt is normal. Let yourself feel it. Evaluate why you are feeling it. Acknowledge what you did to invoke the feelings, and then make a list of amends that need to be made. Then make them sincerely. It’s not a fast process. Making amends won’t magically make the feeling disappear, but it will help ease it, and over time, you will learn to put it in the past and focus on your future. It is okay to show yourself some compassion.”
“That’s easier said than done,” I admit.
“That it is, but nothing worth having is ever easy. If you want peace of mind, you have to put in the work and earn it.”
I nod before stepping in to give her a hug. She hugs me back hard, making me wish I’d had a mother like her growing up. Maybe I wouldn’t be as fucked up as I am now.
Pulling away, I wipe away the tears forming in the corner of my eye.
“Thank you, Kim. That gives me something to think about.”
“Of course, dear. Come join us when you are ready.”
She winks at me as she walks back to the island and joins the conversation. I don’t know if she means join them at the table or back in the land of the living, but either way, I feel like I’m ready.
Filling a coffee cup, I head back to the island, taking my spot.
“The guys wanted to do something fun. We considered a dunk tank, but I’m not sure that’s sustainable,” Maggie admits.
“I suggested a kissing booth,” Rain says.
Lisa snorts. “Really? How’d that go over?”
“Ridge told me that he would kill any man dumb enough to put his lips on mine. So then I told him that I could kiss anyone I wanted and asked why he cared, and he spouted some shit off about a promise made to my father and keeping me innocent or some shit. I’m not as innocent as they all think.” Rain rolls her eyes.
“Don’t let Ridge hear you say that,” Maggie mutters.
Kim laughs. “The guys can get pretty protective of us girls, but I agree. A kissing booth isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. What if you have to kiss someone you don’t want to? Or you get mono from kissing all those people.”
Rain scrunches her nose. “You’re right. It was just an idea.”
“What about water balloons? We could set up some targets they would have to hit. Those carnival prizes are cheap, so we could have different tiers. If they play so many times and win, they get the big prize,” I offer.
“That’s a great idea, and even the younger kids could play.” Lisa smiles at me.
“We could do three shots for ten dollars, with emphasis that the money is going to charity to help the community. Maybe even highlight some good the club has done in the community this year,” Maggie adds.
“Yes, that way they won’t bat an eye at spending that much,” Rain says. “Smart.”
“We could even put a donation jar at the booth so if they feel generous, they can donate some money without playing,” I muse.
“That’s a great idea. So does that mean you’ll help?” Kim asks.
I look at her, remembering her words.
Put it in the past.
“Yeah. Yeah, I will.”
ASHER
