I leaned against the railing too and drew in a slow breath. The heady perfume of the flowers combined with the crispness of the night air, and I let it swirl through me, lifting me higher.
“In the beginning, I hated it,” I said slowly, letting myself mull over my feelings. “Everything reminded me that I’d had my lifestolen out from under me, all because my father owed you a debt.”
Cillian stayed silent. I half expected him to bring up the unknown details about my father as he’d attempted to do before, but the stone remained unturned. I was aware my father sometimes gambled, and my guess was that he’d taken things too far, got in too deep. That wouldn’t have changed my decision.
“However, the more time I spent here, the more I realized how trapped I’d become out there. I’d cycled from work to home again and again, the brief interludes where I tried to connect with people barely scratching an itch. But the people you’ve surrounded yourself with here—they’re wonderful.”
“And…me?” he asked, his voice so low it was almost a whisper. “Do you think you could ever stay here with me?”
I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to give him an impulsive response, even though my heart screamed yes. Because the truth was, when the ten years were up, I’d have my freedom, and I wasn’t sure what my life would be like once I had the choice. “That’s hard to answer because I’m not free to choose. Have I loved every night with you, though? I’ve never cherished anything more.”
Cillian heaved a soul-weary sigh, one that lingered in the air, and the pain in his golden eyes made my heart break. I reached up and ran my thumb across his jaw, over his lower lip. Gods, this man would ruin me a thousand times over.
And the truth was, I wanted to let him.
“We’ve got years to figure it out, though,” I murmured. “You’ll most likely get sick of me far before that.”
“I could never grow tired of you, pet,” Cillian said, the scrape of his voice resonating deep in my bones. “You’re sharper than anyone I’ve met, and around you, I’ve laughed more than I have in years.”
Those words burrowed deep into my heart.
“If only we had more time,” he murmured, the deep sorrow in those words pummeling me in the chest.
My brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
Cillian offered me a sad smile, one that made me heartsick. “Nothing to worry about. We’ve got tonight, pet, and that’s enough.”
Worry trickled through me like cold river water, the iciness spreading through my veins. The comments he’d made weren’t the first that had me wondering what the hell was going on here, but any time I pushed, I got tight-lipped responses and evasions.
“I’m glad you invited me here,” I said, pushing up on my toes to press my lips to his. He let out a low groan and wrapped his hands around my waist as he claimed my mouth. His tongue dipped in and caressed mine before he kissed me hard enough that my mind reeled. The intoxicating taste of him, the silent thrill rising within me—I was addicted to him, and I never wanted to let him go.
This kiss melted away years, all the walls I’d built up over time until I was here with him, unguarded and whole. The world was cruel, capable of beating the softness out of anyone, and I hadn’t realized how much I’d lost year after year. Yet here with Cillian, those pieces of me were reclaimed, even if it was only while I was here with him. And I wanted to fight for that with every ounce of my soul.
I surrendered to him, a soft moan escaping me as we kissed and kissed and kissed, until the stars fell, the moon succumbed to dawn, and the party beyond those doors faded away.
His question circled through my head on repeat.
Could I ever stay here with him of my own volition?
The truth was, deep down, if I had the choice, I’d say yes.
Chapter 24
“You’re coming to game night?” Charles asked from the doorway on one of the rare instances I was in my room. Since the ball, I’d even started moving my clothes over to Cillian’s chambers. Not like I had any particular attachment to the room I’d first settled in anyway. The West Wing that had once been forbidden to me was now as familiar as the rest of the Spires—apart from the locked room, but I respected his privacy there.
However, this week, he’d started to grow quieter, a bit more withdrawn, and the curiosity rose inside me again, the burning need to know what was going on. Maybe someone would drop a hint at game night. I wasn’t sure what information he’d shared with his friends, but every bit I could gather was valuable.
“Yeah. Are folks starting to arrive?” I asked, sliding my shoes on.
“It’s a full crowd already,” Charles said. “And Cillian’s there.” He waggled his brows.
“I’m well aware.” I rolled my eyes, even though a smile twitched at my lips. He loved to tease me about our relationship, but I’d rarely gotten this kind of lighthearted, comfortable ribbing from others in the past—because that would require deeper friendships.
“Figured with how attached at the hip you’ve been, you might want to be there too.” Mischief danced in Charles’s eyes. “Though you’re not walking funny anymore, so maybe the honeymoon’s over.”
I snorted. It had taken me a little while to adjust to Charles’s tendency to overshare, but now that I was used to him, I appreciated it. “Mmm, I wouldn’t say that.” Cillian had fucked me so good the other night my throat was raw from screaming. I craved him again now, just at the mere thought.
“Scandalous,” Charles said. “I can only imagine Cillian’s got an addictive cock. When Theo knots me—fuuuuck.”
