‘I’ve forgotten what it’s like to think about me, about us,’ Jake said. ‘I’d turn the clock back ten years, to when the boys were happy building sandcastles, my hair was thicker and we were happier. You and I had more time together. Not like now. I can never seem to say the right thing to anyone, and the boys don’t need me as much now they’re older. I don’t mean to be obsessed with Paperpress. Mum and Dad are relying on me to salvage the business, and Katrina wants me to implement her ideas. I don’t know where to turn.’
‘Towards me,’ she said, not sure if she really meant it.
Everything felt like it was unravelling. The sparkle Liv had lusted after in Essie’s life was losing its sheen. She felt like she was running on a hamster wheel and couldn’t keep up. Any moment now, it might stop and she’d fly off, smashing into the wall of a cage.There were only seven weeks left to deliver Book Twenty and Georgia’s new hero Frank still wasn’t working.
‘It’s so bloody easy if you’re Essie Starling, with thousands of pounds at your fingertips,’ Jake said. ‘She’s probably got enough money to give it away.’
In the darkness, Liv’s eyes narrowed. Even though her inheritance looked like the only way out of their dire situation, she hated to think that way. ‘I hope you’re not suggesting—’
‘God, no. I’m just saying it’d be great not to worry about our bank account, and to afford to take you somewhere hot and sunny, like Essie did,’ he said ruefully. He reached out and took her hand, stroking it with his thumb. ‘Look, I’ll speak to Katrina and my folks and slow things down. I won’t sign anything or make any more decisions without speaking to you first.’
His words should have placated her, but Liv’s stomach muscles were taut and sore, as if she’d stretched too far. If Jake didn’t invest in Paperpress, where would it leave the business? She’d soon be out of work, too. Telling him would only pile on his worries.
‘We’re a team, aren’t we?’ Jake said. His voice was shaky but loaded with hope. He rested his chin on her shoulder so she could smell chlorine in his hair. ‘From now on, we’ll discuss everything together. Let’s promise not to keep any more secrets from each other, okay?’
Liv scratched under her arm. Even if she wanted to spill Essie’s secrets to him, she couldn’t do it. Not until the official announcement was made about her death. And then what would happen? Jake would know she’d been deceiving him for months.
She felt like she was lying at the bottom of a rubbish dump with stuffed black bin bags falling on top of her.
‘Liv?’ he urged. ‘Let’s make that promise.’
It sounded more important to him than anything. There was nothing she could say without arousing his suspicions. ‘Okay, yes,’ she said with a guilty swallow. Behind her back, she crossed her fingers.
For the next week, Liv and Jake assumed a polite pattern in their day-to-day lives. If Liv spoke at the breakfast table, Jake lowered his toast and listened intently. They both said, ‘Have a good day,’ when they left for work. In the evening, they almost fought each other to make dinner.
Jake told her he’d contacted the bank again and refused the loan. He was going to speak to a friend who worked in strategy to help look at Paperpress with fresh eyes. They both wanted to listen to her ideas.
Liv tried not to tell any more lies to her husband. But she couldn’t tell him the truth either.
Something had shifted in the air between them. Their trust had been replaced by a suspicion that thickened the air like mucus. They pasted on smiles and acted upbeat, trying to make Johnny’s last few days at home the best they could.
Piles of stationery, socks, paperwork, jeans and T-shirts appeared around the house like strange molehills as Johnny gathered his belongings together for university.
It only seemed like minutes ago he was a baby, sucking his own toes and nestling into Liv’s neck. She’d spent hundreds of sleepless nights with her cheek pressed to his scalp while he fed. She could get drunk off his milky, powdery smell, and exhaustion left her functioning like a zombie during daylight.
The era of petting puppies at the school gates, devouring jam sandwiches with other mums at soft play centres and dousing Johnny’s broccoli in ketchup so he’d eat it, had whizzed by in a flash.
The thought of not seeing his flock of scruffy hair each day, not hearing his chatter about TikTok or straightening his crumpled bedsheets, filled her with a dread she couldn’t explain or share. Even scooping up his socks off the bathroom floor made her feel sad. Liv felt like the house was burning down around her, the flames singeing her eyelashes, and no one had any water to put it out.
Mack left for uni a couple of days before his brother. When the day arrived for Johnny to leave, too, Liv stood beside him in the hallway, trying to disguise her fear and sense of loss.
As he stuffed yet another T-shirt into his huge bag, she couldn’t stop a stream of mum-talk jettisoning from her lips. He was to be careful on the train, and to pack his belongings away neatly when he arrived. He should have a decent breakfast each day, and phone home each week. Even she was exhausted by the sound of it.
Johnny unzipped his bag and moved some stuff around, not looking up at her. He’d been acting as if leaving home wasn’t a big deal, but she saw his bottom lip quiver.
You leaving is like having my right arm sawn off, and I’m going to miss you more than you’ll ever know, Liv wanted to tell him. Instead, her words came out as, ‘Have you remembered your phone and your wallet?’
He nodded. ‘Yep, and my keys, and my deodorant.’
‘Make sure you keep your new place clean and tidy.’
He grinned at her. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t.’
She was just about to touch Johnny’s hair when Jake joined them in the hallway, stealing the precious moment away.
‘You sure you’ve got enough stuff there, mate?’ Jake said. ‘Shall I get the kitchen sink for you?’
‘Nah, I’ve got one already.’ Johnny grinned. ‘This is cosy. Are you two escorting me off the premises?’
