“About what?” I ask, hoping my voice didn’t sound as shaky as it felt.
“Us. You,” he explains. Oh god. This is it, isn’t it? I admitted I was happy and now the universe is about to take it away. I fucking knew it. “It’s not bad,” Holland says, as if he can sense the tension and worry in my body.
“Okay… well can it wait?” I ask, hoping it can because I don’t know if I can handle whatever he’s about to say right now. He shakes his head.
“Not really,” he says, taking a deep breath and looking around the large space. No one is around us, and I’m thanking God for that right now. “The other day… when Ellie caught us, I said something.”
I nod slowly, not understanding where he’s going with this.
He lets out a breath before continuing. “I said I loved you… like, as in, I’minlove you,” he clarifies. Well, that’s not exactly where I thought this was going.
“Oh, that,” is all my stupid brain can think to say.
Holland chuckles lowly. “Yeah, that. You didn’t mention it after that, though.”
He’s right, I didn’t. Part of me didn’t know what to say or even how to bring it up, and the other part was too scared to.
Shrugging, I say, “Yeah… I guess I didn’t know what to say.”
He shifts in his chair, and my nerves feel like they’re on fire.
“Well, I mean, do you?” he inquires, and I know what he’s asking but I don’t know how to answer it because yes, I do think I love him, but I’m terrified to admit it out loud.
“Do I what?” I ask, playing dumb.
“I can’t believe I’m asking this. I feel like a fourteen-year-old girl. But… do you feel the same way?”
Time freezes and my heart feels like it stops in my chest. Every memory, every fight, every kiss, every touch replays in my mind in slow motion and I feel like I want to cry. Can I let myself do this? Can I give so much of myself to another person? Can I trust him to not break me?
“I… I don’t… I have to go,” I stutter in a panic as I scoop up all of my things, toss them in my bag and make a run for it toward the exit.
In my haste, I’d forgotten that it was downpouring, so now I’m soaked and walking home in the rain in the middle of March. Fantastic.
What the hell did I just do? Why couldn’t I give him an answer? Why did I just get up and leave? What the hell is wrong with me?
Holland bursts out the doors of the library and storms toward me, looking confused, hurt, and angry. I turn away and head down the sidewalk, walking as fast as I can, even though I know it’s no use because he’s going to catch up to me. And he does.
He steps in front of me, blocking my way.
“Stop! Lainey, whatthe fuck?”
The rain pours down around us, and I shiver as a cold breeze passes. Jesus, I should have thought this through.
“What do you want me to say, Holland? That I love you? That I’m in love with you? That I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing? That I’m so fucking scared of letting you in and getting my heart crushed? That I’m terrified you’re going to leave just like… nevermind,” I yell over the rain before walking around him. Holland’s hand wraps around my wrist, stopping me from moving.
“Don’t walk away from me, Lainey,” he demands, his voice low and rough. I spin on him, my hair wild and wet around my face.
“Then stop following me!”
We stand inches apart, the years of built-up tension and friction vibrating like a live wire between us.
“You think you can just keep pushing me away every time things get too close!” Holland’s chest rises and falls, the veins in his forearms prominent as his fists clench. “Why can’t you just be honest with yourself? Or me? You never actually say what you’re feeling, it’s always a fucking guessing game with you!”
My laugh cracks sharp and brittle, startling even me. “What the hell are you talking about? You don’t-”
“Don’t what? Don’t know you?” his voice booms. “Lainey, I’ve known you my whole damn life. I know the way you chew on your pen when you’re about to lie or you’re thinking too hard, I know you’ll pretend you’re fine even when you’re bleeding inside, I know you hate letting people in because your parents fucked you up,and I know you’ve been running from me for years because you’re terrified of what this is.”
My mouth opens, then closes. I hate how he can see through me, how raw and open I feel standing in front of him with nothing to hide behind.
