“This?” I manage, my voice feeling small, despite the frustration I’m feeling inside.
Holland steps closer, so close I have to tip my head back to meet his eyes. His voice drops, rough and ragged.
“Yeah. This. Us. You and me. I get you’re scared, so am I. I’ve never felt this way about anyone either, and I never thought it was actually possible. But here I am. I told you how I felt, and you haven’t said a word. I know, I should wait until you’re ready, and I will.But you need to give me something. I mean, Jesus, Lainey, I’m in love with you. I think I have been for a while now. I don’t know when the hell it happened, or even how. But somehow, some way, I fell in love with you. You can try to push me away, you can try to deny what you’re feeling, but I’m not going anywhere. I’m not letting you go,” Holland’s shoulders move up and down as he tries to catch his breath.
Holy hell.
Chapter 41
Lainey
My heart slams against my ribs, my throat burning. Fuck, I want to say it back. But the weight of those words, the permanence, the risk…is it worth it?
“Holland…” my voice breaks. I press my hands to my face, shaking my head. “I don’t…I’ve never-”
He swallows hard, his shoulders tight, every inch of him bracing for the blow.
“Say it. Say you don’t feel the same. Say it, and I guess I’ll walk away. I don’t want to. But if that’s truly what you want, then I will.”
My chest aches, and instead of admitting the one thing I want to say, something else comes out in its place. Something I’ve never admitted to anyone before.
Holland’s eyes search mine, desperate, pleading. My lips part, trembling.
“I’m scared,” I whisper.
The anger and frustration seem to slip from his face, replaced with something softer. He reaches out, slow, almost cautious, and his hand brushes mine where it hangs by my side.
“I know,” he murmurs. “So am I. But we can be scared together, Lainey.”
My hand twitches beneath his, my breath shallow, feeling like every nerve in my body has been set on fire.
“I don’t know if I can give you what you want,” I mumble. God, I sound pathetic. I’ve never felt this vulnerable.
“All I want is you, Barkley. Just give meyou,” Holland says, his thumb brushing across my knuckles. His eyes burn into mine, unflinching. “Messy, scared, angry, you. I want all of it.”
The words knock the air out of me. For years, I’ve managed to build all these walls so carefully, convinced that if I let anyone too close, everything I depended on would collapse. But standing here now, the walls feel like paper, crumbling under the weight of his voice.
Tears stroll down my cheeks, mixing with the rain. My chest heaves, a thousand arguments on the tip of my tongue, but none strong enough to push him away. Instead, I step forward, just enough for the space between us to vanish.
I take him in, the emerald green eyes, the wet hair, the small scar above his lip from the time he ran into a pole while playing rugby, the look of pure admiration onhis face. Reaching up before I can stop myself, my had caresses his cheek slowly. He leans into my palm, holding my arm in place.
And then I let go. I let go of the fear, of the uncertainty, of the doubt. I let it all go, and my mouth finds his, fierce and clumsy.
Holland groans against my lips, his hands gripping my face like he’s afraid I’ll disappear. My hands fist the front of his shirt, attempting to drag him closer, needing him nearer, needing to feel the reality of him before doubt swallows me again.
The rain continues to pour down around us as the kiss deepens, not sweet but desperate, bruising, like everything we’ve left unsaid is being poured into this one kiss. When we finally break, we’re both gasping for air, my forehead resting against his.
“I love you, too,” I whisper, butterflies taking over my stomach. I can’t believe I just said that, but I don’t even want to take it back. I mean it, I love him.
Holland chuckles softly, moving my wet hair out of my face. “Now was that so damn hard?”
A small smile plays on my lips, and the heaviness of the situation dulls.
“Yes.”
“You’re so damn stubborn,” Holland says, pulling me in for another kiss.
My throat tightens when I pull back, watching him for a response. “I don’t know how to do this.”
