We don’t have to hide anymore. Shouldn’t that make me feel less… I don’t know… stressed?
Except, there’s one thing that’s been heavy on my mind this past week since that whole fiasco.
I said I loved her. I told Ellie that I love Lainey, in front of her, and she hasn’t said anything since. Nothing. We’ve been together every day, and Lainey hasn’t brought it up at all. Sure, I could bring it up. I am the one that said it, after all.
But how can she know this huge thing and just pretend that it never even happened? Does she just not feel the same way? Does she think I only said it to make Ellie stop her freak out? Why wouldn’t she say anything at all?
She has to feel the same way, right? I mean, after everything, there’s no way she doesn’t. Right?
Stepping out of the shower, I grab my towel and wrap it around my waist. I sit on the edge of my bed, my head in my hands, letting out a deep exhale. What the hell am I doing? Why don’t I just ask her how she feels?
For real, dude. Grow a pair; ask the girl if she loves you back.
My phone ringing breaks me out of my thoughts. Grabbing it off the nightstand, I see that it’s my mom. I haven’t spoken to her in a while, so I decide to answer the call.
“Hello?” I say.
“Hi, honey. How are you?” my mom’s sweet voice asks through the speaker.
My mom has always been a sweet, caring woman. She never yells, never fights. When her and my father would get into arguments, she would always be the calmer and more collected one. The one to get to the root of the problem.
“I’m okay. Is everything alright?” I ask, worried that she may be calling for a reason other than to just say hi.
“Yes, darling. Everything is fine. I just wanted to check in on you to see how you were doing. Ellie told me you and Lainey have been spending some time together?” she questions, and I could strangle my sister for telling our mother about my situation with Lainey.
Not that I’m hiding it, but my mother loves to meddle.
“Yes, mother. We have,” is all I give her. I’m not going to get into all the gory details with her right now, especially not over the phone.
“Do you love her?” she asks, and the question hits me in the chest like a ton of bricks.
“Mom…” I begin, not wanting to talk about this.
“Holland,” she says sternly.
Groaning, I decide it’s best to just give her what she wants so the conversation will be over faster.
“Yes,” is all I say.
“Oh, honey. I knew it. I always knew you two would end up together. Does she feel the same?”
I shake my head, because I don’t know. I don’t know if she feels the same because she won’t fucking tell me and it’s infuriating. I hate not knowing how she feels, ever. She keeps everything so bottled up and she’s too afraid to let anyone in. Even me.
“I don’t know” I answer honestly. My mom makes a noise on the other end.
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I mean, she hasn’t told me. I don’t know how she feels,” I explain the best I can.
“You know Lainey. Always so protective of her feelings. She’s never been good at expressing herself. Give her time, love. I know she loves you too,” mom says. How could she possibly know that?
“Mom,” I begin, running a hand through my wet hair. “It’s been weeks, and she still hasn’t told me how she feels. Maybe she just… doesn’t want me the way I want her.”
Mom chuckles lightly. “Oh, baby. Trust me, that girl has been in love with you for years. Just as you have been with her. You two have just been too stubborn and hardheaded to admit it.”
I scoff. “I have not been in love with her for years.”
I haven’t. I know I haven’t because everything she did annoyed me or pissed me off. I never thought of her as anything other than what she was, my sister’s best friend.
