“Hey, do you want to cheat on this date and run to get more drinks?” This date sucks, I want it over.
He looks back and forth between his glass of ice and me, and a smile slowly starts to form on his face as his head bobs up and down. “Well, alright, yeah.”
“Okay, it’s on me. What are you drinking?”
He stares into the empty glass. “I don’t remember.”
“Come on, Julian. We only have a few more moments together! Let’s fill them with liquid fun. Then you could regale me with all the elephant dick stories you have.”
“Alright…yeah…Jack and Coke,” he laughs.
Both of us bolt up, Julian staggers a little, and we run to my bartender friend.
“I told you you’d be back to order more.” She pours me more wine.
“You can start that tab now,” I laugh and point to the glass. “Do these come in adult sizes?”
She tilts her head back and laughs. “No, but I can give you two at the same time.”
“I want two too,” Julian says next to me.
“Jane? Julian? Hi.” It’sMerrydeath, standing way too close to me to be socially acceptable for a stranger. “We allot a specific time, after every six dates, for bathroom breaks and drink refills. I’d like you to please find your way back to your table.”
I grasp both my drinks to my chest and smile at her. “Perfect! Yes, thank you. Come on, Julian, that’s enough cheating for us.”
We rush back to table just in time for the stupid gong to go off and there’s another man sitting across from me. Dex is now two tables away.
A whoosh of air blows past and I’m hit with a sharp scent of sweat and urine. It lingers for a brief second then thankfully vanishes.
“Hello, Jane. It’s a pleasure to meet you, I’m Travis. Out of all the beautiful women here, I was most excited to date you. So, tell me, have you had any long-term relationships?”
Travis is nice looking. Bronzed skin and dark black eyes, and any other time in my life I would have probably loved to have been asked on a date by him, but…I dart my eyes two tables over. Dex is smiling at someone and talking and laughing at something she says. My shoulders slump. “Long-term relationships? Well, I once found an expired gallon of milk in my fridge that I kept for three months.”
This makes Travis laugh.
I’m great at poking fun at myself for other people’s entertainment, even when it hurts. I’ve made an entire career out of it. I chug back one of my glasses of wine. “Travis, what’s your stance on cannibalism?”
He leans back in his chair. “Cannibalism? Like cannibalism when you eat…people?”
“Yes, that kind of cannibalism,” I reply dryly.
“Oh,” he laughs. “Okay, so it’s like we’re on a deserted island with no food and one of the people we’re with dies and our only way to survive is to cook him and eat him? Then yes, Jane, I think I would. I think I would do anything to keep me and you alive.”
“No, I meant if I invited you over for dinner,” I deadpan.
He stiffens and stares at me silently for the next five minutes.
The bell echoes out.
Travis lurches to the next table.
Date number four sits in front of me. Mike is scribbled across his nametag. On the next table Dex sits down. Another whiff of disgusting air hits me, where is it coming from?
“Wow,” Mike says, leaning forward on his chair. Oh my God,the smell is him. His personal hygiene, literally, takes my breath away. Oh, my God, he reeks. I hold my wine in front of my face to try and block the stench.
It doesn’t help, my eyes water.
“Just wow.” Mike bobs his head and smiles freakishly. “Sorry, I just don’t understand why you’re here. Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” He leans back on his chair and lifts his hands to cup them over the back of his head.
