He leans in eagerly, biting at the bottom of his lip. “What did you think was going to happen in our seven minutes?”
Indeed, what did I think?I laugh more, because now I’m just a sweaty, nervous mess and I should have started a drink tab, or an intravenous line of alcohol to get me through this, because this guy is throwing all sorts of flirty vibes my way. “I am so out of my element here. I don’t even know what’s happening.” Yep, that is what I say.Socially awkward Jane at her best.
The man grabs my hand, cupping it gently with his.
“Is that allowed?” I giggle nervously. “I don’t think that’s allowed.” I have been officially infected with the heebie-jeebies. This could be a speed-dating serial killer.
“Oh, yeah. It’s allowed.” He pats the back of my hand. “So, let me help you a bit, okay? Have you ever heard of an elevator pitch?”
I nod idiotically and stare down at my hand in his. I want to yank it back, but I don’t want to be rude. Ew, now he’s massaging my fingers.
Oh, well, wow. That actually feels nice.
“Okay,” he continues in a deep baritone voice while he kneads my palms. “Just imagine you’re in an elevator and you have only a few moments to pitch your business idea to an interested party. Those few moments could change your life, but only if you can figure out the perfect thing to say, something that fundamentally resonates between the both of you and you make a connection. That’s speed dating.”
“And you think the questionwhat do I do for funis going to lead into something that resonates between the both of us?”
He stares at me blankly.
“Oh, you’re serious, okay. For fun, I like to read. I love watching movies and…did I mention reading?”
“See how easy it is?” he says, chuckling.
“Ummhmm,” I say, gulping back the rest of my wine. “What do you do for fun, Dave?”
“I love traveling. I try to plan at least three trips a year to somewhere I’ve never went before…”
Immediately I lose interest as Dave goes off on a long-winded, self-centered monologue about his travel exploits which leads into something about giant mosquitos in Costa Rica.
“Doggy-style. Oh, and reverse-cowgirl.” I scoot over and lean toward the table next to us, who seem to be having a way more engaging conversation. Well, they were. Until I interrupt them by stumbling off my chair and grabbing onto their table to stop myself from hitting the ground. “Oh, are you okay?” the woman next to me asks. Her nametag reads Deandrea, and I smile up at her and wink.
“Sorry, I got sidetracked by what the two of you were saying,” I whisper.
“Girlie, I have to know straightaway if a guy is straight vanilla or not,” she whispers back.
I nod. “I totally agree.” I look at Dave and point to the couple beside me. “I thinkthat’sa conversation that might resonate between two people.”
Dave laughs and the bell rings.
Thank God.
Date number two is Julian. “Heeelloo,” he says, staring at my chest. He rolls a toothpick around in his mouth and an old mafia movie plays in my head.
“Uh, okay. This is my first time at one of these things and—”
“Ah,” he waves his hand at me. “I’ve been to hundreds of these. I’m about to the point where I feel like I should just take my dick out and slam it on the table to see if anyone will check the date box for me then.” He still hasn’t looked up from my boobs.
“So, I’m Jane. It’s nice to meet you, Julian. I believe you’ve already met my giant rack. Just how impressive is your dick?”
He finally looks up. His pupils are enormous, but his eyelids droop down. Julian is high. “It’s a little over twelve inches,” he smirks.
“Are you talking aboutrealinches, or yourmanpinionof penis inches?” In my experience there’s a huge difference between the two.
He rolls his eyes, “My dick is like an elephant’s dick.”
“All gray and bumpy?” I ask, trying not to laugh.
“What?” He plays with the rim of his empty glass.
