I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what’s happening right now. His hands find my skin, his fingers at my neck, a little too warm, a little too clammy. His mouth tastes like the wine we’re drinking, but somehow sourer and tart.
Every possible horrible emotion slams through me all at once. Guilt. Disloyalty. Anger. Anxiety. Confusion. Dread. Resentment. For a split second I think:This is it, this is how I fall out of love with Dex. This is what everyone keeps telling me to do. Get over one guy by getting under another.
There’s just one fucking problem with all the advice.
I still want to cling to theideaof Dex.
And Nate’s not Dex. He’s nowhere near Dex. His lips are too soft and feminine. His hands don’t feel right on my skin. And when he grabs my boob it’s too soft yet too hard and that’s really such a confusing feeling. My arms feel glued to my sides, my fingers clench into tight little fists. He makes these weird moany-groany-whiney sounds that make me cringe, and he uses this strange wiggle motion with his tongue that causes a string of saliva to drip down my chin.
I jerk my head to the side and quickly shift my body away from his.
“What? What’s wrong?” he asks breathlessly, reaching out to lay his hand on my waist. “Am I going too fast?” he asks panting. “I’m sorry, Jane. It’s just that you make me so crazy. I’ve wanted you for so long.”
I exhale slowly and look behind his shoulder, on the coffee table for my wine. My throat is dry, and tears are threatening my eyes. “I need more wine,” I croak.
“Oh,” he smiles. “Yeah, come here. Sit down on the couch and we’ll have another glass.”
My feet shuffle slowly toward the couch.
Nate grimaces down at the coffee table and points accusingly, “Do those peonies smell weird to you? All I smell is lavender.”
I squeeze my thighs together tightly. Stupid feminine wipes. Stupid me for thinking I was ready for any of this. And what kind of person would know the difference between the smell of lavender and peonies?
“Come on, come sit,” he says.
I don’t want you to sit with me. I want you to leave. You’re not Dex, I think, and those tears I was so desperately trying to hold back come streaming out.
“Oh, whoa, Jane. What’s wrong?” His eyebrows pull together, bewilderment and confusion overwhelming his features. “Was kissing methathorrible?”
“Yes!” I sob, and fully break down—hiccupping and shaking, snot-nosed wailing, tossing myself on the couch.
Nate sits down next to me, mortified. I wave my hands between us. “It’s not you, Nate.” I try wiping at my tears to no avail. The sleeve of my shirt is drenched.
Nate reaches behind me for the box of tissues I keep on one of my bookcases. “Is it Dex?”
I blow my nose and hiccup. “I thought I was good, you know? I thought maybe I could do this with someone, but the thing is, I’m not ready to let go of him just yet.”
Nate leans back into the cushions and nods. “Does Dex know this?”
I tilt my head up to the ceiling and sob out another round of cries. “I haven’t spoken to him. He…he…” I choke out the words, “and I…I…blocked his number.”
“Wait, what? You blocked his number? Why?”
I sniffle and whine. It’s all so stupid, me and Dex just didn’t talk anything out. We acted like two insolent teenagers then gave each other the silent treatment. “We were angry. So angry, and a lot of bad stuff was said.” My blubbering turns to soft whimpers. “Now, it’s too late. He moved on and I just can’t push myself to, not yet. God, Nate. I’m so sorry. I know Julia texted you to come here and I just—”
He dropped his arm around my shoulder and hugged me to his chest. “Jane, it’s all good. Everything will be okay soon, you’ll see.” He kisses the top of my head. “It’s tough, getting over someone, but you’ll do it.”
I snuggle into the crook of his arm, one or two residual hiccups squeaking out. We stay like that for a few minutes until my eyes get sleepy and I wonder if he’ll stay the night like this, just like Dex did the first night we ever spent together. Nate quietly slips out his phone and taps out a few things, and after a few moments he retrieves his arm from around and me, takes a deep breath, and scoots away from me to stand up. “I’m going to get going, is that cool?”
I blink up at him. Did he just text someone else to meet up with him? I sit up straighter. “Did you…what did you just do on your phone?”
The corners of his mouth lift up and his eyebrows waggle like a perv. “I just swiped yes to someone who wanted to meet up in the area.”
“Like a hook-up?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Just like that? You tap something out and now you’re going to get laid?”
