Jase
Charlie,
Last night I fucked two girls. Two girls at the same time. But you don't care, do you? I hate that between the two of them, it was you I thought about.
Jase
Charlie
The first time we ever kissed, remember? The way you melted into me. Your lips tasted like watermelon lip gloss and blueberry bubblegum. Was it weird that I bought a pack of that gum and carried it in my pocket, just so I could taste you again?
Jase
Charlie
I swear I tried to move past this, but I can’t seem to. My heart is stuck with you. You're gone. Vanished. I’m simply going through the motions. I look around and see everyone continuing on like they don’t realize the sun has quit shining. It's just like when Joey died.
I can’t stop thinking about you. How you felt in my arms, the taste of you still on my lips. It’s pointless. I’m like a robot most of the time. Going through the motions, getting through life one day at a time.
Jase
Charlie,
It's been years. What can it hurt to email me back now? Just let me know you're okay.
Jase
Charlie
I miss the shit out of you, Charlie.
Jase
It took me two years to answer his emails.
Jase,
I miss you too.
Charlie
The boy I had loved so very much had done what he'd always set out to do. He joined the army and went overseas. He was a real life superhero. And when his tour was through, he became a New York City police officer. He was a real, true superhero, the one I always knew he'd be. And I could never find the courage to stand up for myself and tell him what happened. Simply because I loved Jase too much to ever let him know. I loved him too much.
In the beginning, we wrote emails to each other every week. I told him I was married. Over the years, we started writing to each other every day. Then texting. But, I would never let him call. He tried, but I knew hearing his voice would be too much. We never asked each other about families, about things that would hurt. We never talked about why; we just both pretended to move on. What could be changed? I told him I married someone. He was overseas for so long. I made a complete fantasy life up, so he could move on. What else could I have done? I wanted him to be there safe—not worried about how much I was hurting. I’d rather have him hate me.
Now we were face to face. He was on one side of the law and thought I was on the other. I was poison to him. I could make his world darker than it already was. I couldn't live with myself if that happened.
Let him think he was lucky to get away from me when he did. I’d be fine. I always was. I already knew what it was like to miss him. I was used to it.
I sat in the passenger seat of the car with my forehead against the dashboard. It was hot and sticky and all I wanted to do was forget everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours.
Jase Delaney needed to think I was no good.
He needed to think
It was all my fault.
Period.
