“What life, Dean?” Her tone was curt, low.
“The life of a cop’s girl, okay? I don’t want to see her scared or lonely like mom was. I don’t want her to raise children alone, or have holidays alone or just fucking wonder daily if I’m alive or dead.” I managed to blurt out in frustration.
“So you’ll let her leave. You’ll let someone else take your place. Because you don’t think she’s strong enough.” She stared at me motionless, letting the words sink in.
“That’s not what I said,” I snapped.
“Yeah it is, just reworded. You know what, asshole?” There was a bite to her tone. “I’m a cop too. And I don’t know how anyone would want to do any of this alone. I would doanything, giveanythingto come home to someone every night that could make me forget all the shit I see during the day.” Her eyes took on a sudden glassy sheen. “Someone to make me feel like this world isn’t just filled with misery and hate. You’re looking at that right in the eye, and you’re pushing it away. You blame it all on your job. Yeah, you spend days putting bad guys behind bars, but you spend your night putting yourself behind them too. You’ve built your own Alcatraz with bars built from all of your own issues.”
“Me? Take a good look at yourself. What have you been doing lately? What about you and your secret squirrel guy?” I asked, arrogantly.
“What the hell are you talking about?” she asked in an even tone, like it was no big deal.
“You and whoever you’ve been dating— the big secret andnowthe big secret is an ex. You’re running out of a bar, so you don’t have to bump into him?” I demanded, angrily.
“And now you’re changing the subject and putting the spotlight on me. You broke up with every single one of your girlfriends right before they got too attached to you. Maybe you do it before you get too attached to them. Maybe you’re just a coward,” she seethed.
“No,” I said calmly, shaking my head.That wasn’t it. I wasn’t afraid to get hurt. I got hurt on the regular. I was afraid of my getting hurt and that affecting someone I loved. “Every day… every single damn minute of every day we are at war with death on this job. I mean, Brooke, come on. Death’s right behind us, and he’s taking numbers at random. I’m not afraid of hurting or dying. I’m afraid for the person who I’ll leave behind. I don’t want to be that selfish, to have someone love me just to let her down.”
The sun was finally up, streaking the sky with violent slashes of purple and red. Brooke stood up, shoulders back as if ready to fight. “Well, it’s too late, asshole. Look, you’re my brother, and I love you. It would kill me if you pulled a Thomas or if you died on the job. I love you andthat’s my choice.” She walked to the door and opened it, still watching me. “And Liv? She’s loved you since the very first day of kindergarten when you stopped her from crying, because she was scared of school.”
“I did what? What the hell are you talking about? What did I do?” My chest tightened.
“You brought her to me, and we went into class together. She’s been my best friend ever since. No matter how far away she was or how long we didn’t talk, she’s been there for me—and loved you just as long. It was her choice. She would always choose you. The guy that wiped her tears when she was five and made her see that the world didn’t have to always be so lonely.”
“She fell in love with a fantasy. She fell for the potential I could be. I don’t want to be put up on some pedestal just to crush her when I’m gone.”
“We’re all going to die someday, Dean. That’s the only thing we are guaranteed here. It’s how we live that makes all the difference for us.” She leaned her back against the door jam and shook her head. “You could turn your back to her, close your eyes when she’s close, but you’re not going to be able to hide your heart from what you don’t want it to feel. I see the way you look at her, the way you always did. Just, don’t let her leave here without knowing that someone, someone good in this world, loves her. I have to get ready for work. And say goodbye to by best friend.”
She closed the door quietly, leaving me alone with my thoughts and the sheer and utter agony of realizing there was a chance I might never see Liv again if she left.
