Chapter 15
Dean
Iwokeup at six the next morning with the vision of Liv’s mouth freshly kissed, and her fingers pressed up against her lips. I hadn’t kissed anyone like that in years.
Each time we were alone with one another, it became harder and harder—fire and need and want wrecking havoc between us. In those moments, it was hard to cling to reason or restraint. I began to wonder if staying away was becoming more hurtful than crashing and burning together.
I wanted to be with her, touch her, and watch her body break apart beneath mine. I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head.
It wasn’t just lust that tormented me though—and I think that was the part that confused me—aggravated me. She had this unselfishness about her and courage that set her apart from any other woman I’d ever met. I knew her strong, brave character from the horror stories Brooke used to tell me when I’d ask after her. Ever since we were in grade school, I had this fiercely protective feeling about her—Brooke also, of course—but with Liv it was somehow different. It was more possessive—apprehensive. The thought of anyone hurting her devastated me.
When she wasn’t here, it was easy to avoid the emotions. When she visited—or spoke to Brooke on social media and I saw it—that’s when the feelings would rear their ugly heads, and I’d question my sanity.
I tried to shut her out, tried to be indifferent toward her—and I was failing epically. I was tightly wound, tense with need. But what I needed, what I really needed was to stay away from her. It would keep us both sane.
Last night was difficult to say the least.Dancing with her. Watching her laugh and move. Feeling her body slide over mine. God, the way she looked at me. A hungry man would be able to live for years just on that alone.Her soft lips and whispered words. Her wit and intelligence. Her hands grasping my skin, nails digging in. The images in my head rattled me.
But those weren’t the only visions haunting me. I could see her life as Iwantedit to be: safe, married to some dependable, conservative accountant or someone of that nature with beautiful dark-haired children, pets barking happily behind a white picket fence. I saw her smiling, spinning around with a few kids on each arm, her face flushed with pure happiness, dogs yipping at her feet.
When my thoughts turned to me invading that perfect picture of her, the sky in her world turned gray with angry black clouds. There would be no reliable family, no children. There would just be consuming loneliness and the slow passage of time. She’d always be waiting for me to come home, and always be waiting for that tragic call that I wasn’t ever going to. I wasn’t enough for her to risk her own happiness. I wanted more for her, no matter what the cost it was to me.
Yet, the most selfish, deepest parts of me kept reliving her lips on mine and the way she wrapped herself into me, her scent surrounding me, making me dizzy with want.
Was she in the room beneath mine? Her long legs tangled up in the blankets, dark silky hair fanning out over her pillow.
I dangled my feet off the bed and rubbed at my face. There was no way I was getting back to sleep. Not when I was contemplating the fact that only a few feet of wood and air were between our bodies colliding into each other.
“Get a grip,” I growled to myself through clenched teeth.Coffee. I needed coffee—coffee and a smack upside the damn head to clear my selfish lust-filled thoughts.
I got up and got dressed, made coffee and gulped it down, ignoring the scorching pain as it slid down my throat. I needed something to erase the shit in my head. I needed something else to think about.
Grabbing for a cigar was my next plan, and thinking through the crime scene from the day before. That would end any daydreams I was having of her long smooth legs and the scent of her body lotion, the sweet taste of her lips.
I thumped quietly down the steps and out to the porch.
Even though it was early morning it was still dark outside—only the tease of pink on the horizon. I took a deep breath—exhaling a puff of frosty air—and tried to collect my thoughts. I hunkered down on one of the lounge chairs—the one right near the window to the guest bedroom—and lit my cigar. There were no lights coming from her room; she was probably still sleeping. There was a soft glow to another window though, and I leaned forward on the chair to look into the front bay window further down the porch.
The light from Brooke’s television flickered through the curtains with a silhouette of a person cuddled up on the couch. Leaning back, I smiled to myself remembering my dad, early in the morning sitting in the same position, watching the same police drama, not being able to sleep. He used to warn Brooke and me not to get on the job, but it’s all we knew.
I knocked on the window and watched as my sister went for her firearm.
“It’s me, Brooke,” I called through the glass.
Brooke came out, hands wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee. “Can’t sleep any more?” she asked me.
“Nah, wide awake now. How you holding up?” I asked, pulling over the other lounge chair for her to sit on.
As she sat, her face grimaced and her eyes squeezed tight. I laughed, understanding. It was freezing out there, and the surface of the chairs was like frostbite on your skin. “I’m fine,” she said with a shiver. “Just can’t sleep. I keep seeing the kids’ faces in front of me every time I close my eyes.”
“You’ll get used to them there. The ghosts. The ones you couldn’t save.” It was messed up for me to say, but the plain truth. All the dead bodies I’ve ever seen have become my constant companions over the last few years—keeping me vigilant to all the brutality in this world I still need to fight against.
She stared out into the front yard, biting down on her lip, in her lap her hands balled up into tight fists. “Talk to me about something else. Tell me somethingnice,” she whispered, her voice breaking.
Liv, I wanted to say.
Instead I asked if she’d had any of Liv’s chili.
“Yeah, I did,” she smiled at me, curiously. “She’s a great cook. A great friend.” She cleared her throat as if to say more and then thought better of it and said nothing.
