He was unamused. “Always with the sarcasm.” He yanked the blanket down, throwing himself on his back with a sigh. “You’re so pathetic, thinking your life is fucking hard. You got everything you need here. I let you stay home with the kids. I let you do whatever the fuck you want. Hell, I’d let you fuck the pool boy if I thought it would help. But you want to hate your life. Want to hate me. When in reality, I’ve been good to you. My father beat my mother every fucking day of her life. Is that what you want?”
She knew how bad this conversation could get, so she quickly diffused it. “Of course not.” A hand rested on his chest. “I’m sorry. I’m wrong. You know me, I’m terrible.”
Rurik looked at her as he gripped her hand. “All I’ve been trying to do is make you happy, Luerna. Stop fighting me. I’m not as bad as you make me out to be.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead before he flipped on his side, going to sleep.
Luerna lay frozen, wrapped up in self-hatred. Rurik was good to her, wasn’t he? She was the terrible one. She took everything he tried to do and turned it into something awful. Like reconstruction surgery. He was offering because he knew how it affected her self esteem.
Luerna rolled over on her side with her back to him and glanced at her phone for the time, only to see a text message. It was an unknown number and in it was an address.
Was she planning to ruin this life for the unknown? What if Levka wasn’t any better? What if she just hoped he was? She didn’t know if Levka would take if she didn’t want to give. She didn’t know if he’d smack her if he was pissed at her. She barely knew him as a person.
At least with Rurik, she knew how to manipulate. She knew how far she could push and when to step back. He would give her anything she wanted as long as she behaved correctly. And now that they were no longer planning to have kids, Rurik hadn’t touched her in years. She could be left alone and live out her days enjoying her children and never have to open her legs again.
Luerna deleted the address. She told herself she didn’t memorize it. She told herself she wasn’t going to go, and she went to sleep, settling on the fact that she was going to stay with Rurik.
And she told herself the hole in her chest was just acid reflux.
Two days later, Luerna walked the street early in the weekday morning, enjoying the chaos of the market. It was one of her favorite things to do, one where the kids were in school and she searched around for cute little gifts that they would love. The vendors were plenty, the shops were unique, and she felt she was helping small businesses by supporting their adorable endeavors. Her guards, dressed as civilians, followed behind her, holding her bags. These morning walks always made her think of her sisters. When they were younger and husbandless, they would walk the market together. But now it’s been months she saw them last. Kira was happy with her new marriage. She had given birth three months ago and though Luerna wanted to be there, she couldn’t bring herself to visit yet. Anya was as distant as usual, and Nadia was busy with all her projects and her loving husband. There was no bitterness toward their lives. People moved on, and that was a part of life.
Her phone rang. It was the unknown number she knew belonged to Levka. He called her twice yesterday, and here he was again. She clicked it off and put it back in her purse. She had decided to stay, and her regret was bigger than she could swallow. She felt like she was in the wrong place or late for something. It was a nagging feeling in the back of her head like her subconscious telling her she was off God’s path. But as religious as that sounded, cheating on her husband was sinful, and God wouldn’t support it. The devil was trying to convince her, but she wasn’t going to listen.
Too much Church,she groaned.
The phone rang again, and she tried to ignore it, but her hand fell into her purse. Luerna pressed it to her ear. “Yes?” she bit, ready to fight against Levka’s anger.
“Hi, sunshine.”
Levka’s greeting was a bucket of water on her fire. She fizzled out. “Hi.” Luerna bowed her head, guilt and shame bubbling up with a terrible force that she clenched her teeth to keep the tears at bay.
“Are you okay?”
Hearing his voice quelled every fear, and she felt ridiculous for doubting him. Luerna shook her head but whispered, “Yes.”
The quiet stretched, and she didn’t trust herself enough to speak without making excuses. Nothing sounded good enough. She waited with bated breath for him to tell her it was off, that he was going to give up, that she wasn’t worth his time.
“It’s okay.”
Tears burned the back of her eyes, and she swallowed harshly.
“I know what I’m asking you to do. And it’s not fair. I know you like the back of my hand, and that’s why it’s so easy for me to risk everything and go all in. But you don’t know me. Not enough to give up your life for me. So, I’ve decided to put the plans on hold for a little while. Is that okay?”
She shook her head again as she wiped tears from her cheeks. She didn’t want to pause. She wanted out more than anything. But fears came at the worst moments, and Levka wasn’t there to fight against them. If she was a young teenage girl with no responsibilities, children, or life to care about, she’d run away with him in a heartbeat. But she did have all those things. Abandoning them because she was unhappy didn’t make sense to her.
“It’s okay, sunshine, don’t be upset.”
How did he know? How did he know her so well?
“Look at me.”
Her eyes popped up, searching. Was Levka here? She twisted all around until, right in front of her, through the booths and rows of people, she saw him standing against the wall. He was dressed in a black hoodie with it up over his head. But she could make out his sweet smile.
“How’d you know?”
Levka tilted his head to the side. “I always know where you are.” It was cryptic, and she wasn’t having it. He chuckled at her look of annoyance. “Your driver. He’s been giving me updates for a few years now. Don’t get pissy at him. His child has cancer, and I’ve been paying his medical bills.”
Why don’t I know that?
Guards and servants were part of the furniture. For most of her life, they were mosquitos, pointless but everywhere. She glanced behind her, taking in the faces of her guards for the first time. She probably should at least know their names.
