Lucan mirrors my movements yet again, sitting back and taking a deep breath, as if showing he’s aware of the tension he’s created. “But it hits you differently to lack that relationship with him. You want it—something like what you have with your mom. But you can’t seem to find it.”
“What makes you so sure about that?” I cross my arms over my chest. He’s spot-on, frustratingly, and I want to know how.Well, spot-on before the last talk with my father, but I didn’t tell him or Saipha all the details of that.
Eyes still on mine, he says, “I saw your expression when yourfather turned you over to the vicar for training. The way you looked back at him in betrayal as you walked away. His beaming pride that never quite seemed to touch you.” I stare down at the table, throat tight with emotion. “I also saw how he always deferred to the vicar, and how every platitude killed you inside.” Lucan’s words are gentle, as if he knows how delicate the topic is. That instinct of his is right. “He’s enamored with you being Valor Reborn, and that drives a wedge between you two.”
His words make my skin feel tight. They remind me of how just one productive conversation and good intentions can’t completely wipe away years of complicated feelings. Even if I want them to.
I stand and cross to the window, leaning against one side of the narrow opening to the outside world. Even with the iron-barred glass, I can peer through and catch a glimpse of Vinguard and the massive wall that perpetually looms beyond.My world.
It suddenly seems so small, and a part of me yearns for something more. Something beyond…this.
“I would’ve said you were completely right, if you’d told me this a couple of days ago,” I murmur, thinking of the last time I saw my father. There’s so much I never understood in how and why he and Mum acted as they did.
“But not now?” Lucan stands as well, crossing to lean against the other side of the window. It’s narrow enough that we’re mere inches apart, which causes my body to buzz with energy, like every time we’re close.
“I feel as though I’m beginning to understand my parents,” I say. “There’re so many layers to them, to our relationship… Ones I’m just beginning to understand.”
He considers this a moment. “It’s difficult when you’re several people at once, isn’t it? When you have different truths depending on who you’re with.”
I blink up at him in stunned silence. He has an ability tounderstand my situation as though he has lived it himself. Though I suppose he has, having navigated a life around the vicar, the Creed, and how his position impacts how Vinguard views him.
“Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to just…” I shift my gaze to stare out at the wall beyond the window, chest aching with longing for something always out of reach.
“Just?” he presses.
“Just live as we want.” I whisper the confession. “If that means the scourge or the dragons ultimately get us, then so be it. At least we’re not spending our lives tested, fenced in, and cowering. At least we’re not living lies.”
“Is that what you want?” His question is sincere enough that I realize how long it’s been since anyone asked,trulyasked, what I want, and wanted to hear an honest answer and not just what I’ve been taught to say. I think the last person was Mum. But even she, after a point, stopped asking.
“I want to stop the scourge,” I answer.
“By going to Mercy and killing dragons.”
I study him. My pulse quickens as I wonder if I should say more. Any whispers that Valor Reborn doesn’t want to be a Mercy Knight and slay dragons mindlessly would be considered absurd and an affront to the Creed.
He studies me like I’m one of the heavy scrolls the curates read for hours on end. “Will you really be content living by their rules for the rest of your life?”
“Of course.” I shrug and look away, hoping to end the conversation.
He says nothing for what feels like forever, never taking his eyes off me. My skin flares hot, and I force myself to not fidget. It feels as if he’s seeing right through my skin, beneath my scars, straight into my heart.
“You’re lying,” he says, finally.
My chin jerks back in his direction, brows furrowing. I almost instantly regret it. It’s like I’m about to shatter with one look from him. I barely manage an, “Excuse me?”
“You think I don’t see it?” He pauses. “You want more than being a Mercy Knight—than being Valor Reborn.”
I could deny it. Ishoulddeny it.
“Isola.” His voice is soft. “Trust me, like I trust you.”
The words hang in the air between us as I stare into his eyes. I want to trust him, and every instinct in me pushes me to, but a lifetime of guardedness and deception is hard to overcome.
“We’re more alike than you think,” he says.
“I don’t want to kill dragons,” I confess.
His eyes widen.
