“Do you think you’ll ever forgive me?” The question was delicate and fearful.
There was a brief and deeply petty urge to tell himno. To take this opportunity to twist the knife in him. Hurt him like he had her when he was so vulnerable.
“I already have,” she admitted. “That doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten the pain. That there aren’t parts of me that are still cautious of giving you that vulnerability again.” To think, falling into bed had been so easy compared to entertaining the notion of giving him her heart once more. “But…I’m not that woman any longer. There’s no point in me carrying her grudges. And you?—”
“I’m not that man,” he finished for her.
“So you’ve shown me.” She looked him up and down, appreciating fully how different he was now, from then. “We should get back to the others.”
His chin dipped, but he didn’t move. She brushed past him, starting for the door, keenly aware that there was still something weighing on him. Eira chose to ignore it. Probing felt far too dangerous right now. And he proved her instinct right.
Fingers closed around her wrist, catching her. Grasping her gently but firmly. Eira slowed in a step, gaze swinging back to his. Cullen held her stare intently, lips parting, but no wordscame. She opened her mouth to say they needed to leave. This had the opposite effect than she was intending and prompted him to action.
“I love you.”
There it was. The point of no return. The line in the sand that she, Cullen, and Olivin had been narrowly avoiding for weeks. Three words and he had made his stance...and now waited on hers.
Could she say it? Was she ready for that? And what did it mean if she did? She loved him. But did she also love Olivin? What did it mean if her heart wanted both men? They incapsulated different aspects of her, filled different roles that she wanted and needed.
Eira swallowed thickly. “Cullen, I?—”
He shook his head. “You don’t have to say it back. Not yet. Not ever, if it’s not the design of your heart. If I ever hear those words from you again I want you to mean them.”
“It’s not that— It’s only— You see—” She floundered, wanting to offer him reassurance yet at the same time having no idea what to say.
“Eira, you don’t have to say anything,” he repeated with a small smile. As if he knew exactly the source of her tumult and almost found it…amusing. “One benefit of being a lord is I have long since learned how to play the long game. I am a patient man when it comes to the things I want. My stance is unchanged—take your time, explore your heart, and, when you’re ready, when your decision is made, tell me then.”
“I love you,” she blurted. Cullen’s eyes went wide. “I do. I love you,” she repeated. This time, the words were as fragile as the hopes and fears that they were built upon. “I didn’t want to for a long, long time. But I can’t expunge you, nor do I want to. Maybe you’re good for me, maybe you’re the worst choice I’ll ever make. Either way, it seems my heart has made that decision for me andthere is no going back.” She drew a shuddering breath. For the first time feeling wayward, lost, and adrift. She had everything she wanted. Why was she afraid of taking it? Perhaps because wanting it and losing it, again, would be too much to bear. “But…I might also love him? I don’t know. And it seems unfair to?—”
He silenced her with a finger on her lips. “That’s enough.”
Is it?Her eyes asked the question without words.
“You are enough, more than. I’m sorry it took me so long to act like it. But here I am now. There’s nothing else in this world that I fight for—live for—but for you and your goals. As long as I have you, I am content.”
Eira gave a slight nod of understanding and he released her. Still, neither of them moved. She continued to stare at him, working through what he said. The implications of it.
How was it that he was reassuring her that nothing needed to change while, at the same time, seemingly changing everything?
“Thank you.” Her voice dropped to a whisper.
“You’ve nothing to thank me for. If anything, the reverse is true.”
They shared a smile, fingers lacing.
“Let’s return,” she declared. “There’s much to do.”
She’d been keenly aware of his presence in the days that followed. When he stayed off to the side as Eira and Adela announced the next stages of their plans. How he dutifully followed orders and helped with packing their new vessel—one that had been previously frozen in the ice covering the Isle of Frost. The way his muscles strained as he tended the sails on their departure from the island.
He had admittedly become a distraction. But a pleasant one, and one that she had under full control. When her attention wasn’t needed entirely on something else, Eira studied him like she had one of Adela’s journals ages ago—learning as much as she was able about the man he was evolving into.
During the three days that it took them to sail to Meru on their new, smaller vessel, Eira dared to muse over whataftermight look like. Fantasies danced through her mind as she fell asleep in her hammock. Of theStormfrost. Of a life of doing whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. Living free of judgment because she would allow none to touch her. Of who she wanted by her side…
But, come each dawn, Eira put the daydreams aside. She couldn’t get lost in the fantasy. The battle was ahead and nothing was real until she claimed her victory.
“We’ll spend one last night here,” Eira declared as the sails were struck. The sun hung low in the sky. Only Ducot, Olivin, Yonlin, Cullen, and Alyss had joined her on the mission to infiltrate Meru. When it was just the six of them, Noelle’s absence remained striking. Her ghost still hovered between Ducot and Alyss, a reminder of their purpose. “Pack up and then sleep while you can; we’ll rise before the dawn to get ashore while we still have the benefit of darkness.”
She’d let the ship drift tonight, keeping note of the currents in the back of her mind. It didn’t matter where they went ashore. Instead, Eira kept her magic focused on maintaining an illusion on and around the ship—a dense fog to conceal them. Not perfectly invisible so she didn’t exhaust herself too much; just enough that, at a glance, no one would notice them from the shore. They were far from any settlements, but a thick forest went right to the edge of the rocky coast so Eira wasn’t taking any chances.
