“No buts. That’s it. It’s that simple. If someone loves you, truly loves you, it’s because they want to—because they can’t imagine a world in which they don’t. Because you make their soul sing just with your mere existence.” Even though his words are sweet and bright, his eyes are filled with pain I don’t understand.
“But I am not someone who is easy to love,” I whisper. “Perhaps as a sister or daughter. Maybe as a friend. But not—” I stop short.
“Not?” he probes gently.
I’m too raw, too bare to fight. “Not as a lover.”
He caresses my cheeks with both hands, coaxing hair away from my face. “Whatever in this wide world made you think that?”
“It’s something I was told,” I admit. “Who could ever love you?” It’s incredible just how much my inflection matches Charles’s even in my own mind. Even after months of finally being away from him. “I’m difficult, I’m—”
“Stop,” he commands, though not roughly. I oblige. “I don’t know who this person was. But they were clearly a sad, small, and cruel individual.”
That much I can agree with. I’ve always been able to agree with. So why do Charles’s words still stick with me so?
“You are worthy of being loved not just by friends and family, but by a lover as well.”
“Well, it doesn’t much matter…does it?” I try to shrug as though none of it matters. As if he’s not still holding my face with both his hands as gently as I would hope for him to hold my heart. “It’s not like I’ll have any time to find another lover. It’s not like I ever did. Some people just aren’t made for it.”
“I know what you mean.” There’s not a trace of hesitation, or doubt, or deceit on him, as if he really does.
“How?”
“I never wanted to fall in love. Vowed I never would.”
It’s a sensible enough vow. But odd to hear from a man who was just waxing poetic about the power of love. “Why?”
“I saw what it did to my parents. After…” I’m about to tell him he doesn’t have to continue, I know how hard this topic is for him, when he persists. “After my mother died, my father began to wither away. His songmate was gone and the silence in his soul sapped his will to live. Nothing in all the seas was enough to replace her.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“We’ve both known loss, and pain.” He releases my face and trails his fingertips down my arms.
“And we try to do the best we can because of it.”
Ilryth blinks several times, startled. He dips his chin slightly and the intensity of his stare is too much. He’s inviting me to peer into his soul, just as he’s peered into mine. “Not because of it, in spite of it. Who we are is independent of the trauma that tries to mar our souls. It is a part of us, it might teach us, but it does not define us.”
Those words have my eyes prickling again. I want to throw my arms around his waist and cling to him. To leech off his stability for a bit longer as my world settles back into place.
But I don’t. I can’t allow myself to get too close to him. Not just for the sake of my fragile heart but because doing so would be nothing but condemning him to heartbreak—if he truly is smothering the same budding affection I currently am. I’m headed for the Abyss, then the Great Beyond…and he has a long life ahead of him. It’s best not to challenge the vow he’s made for himself, nor my resolve. But that doesn’t mean we can’t find comfort with each other, and solace. That we can’t care for each other as fellow leaders who share a unique experience. As two people who are worn and tired and so very hungry for the reprieve of a shoulder of someone who understands.
I rub my eyes, trying to press away any remaining sensations of stubborn tears. In doing so I notice the state of my body. I’m no longer solid. My outline is still a sharp silver, but my flesh is growing transparent.
“What the…”
Ilryth’s fingers clasp around mine. “We’ve spent too much time away from Lady Lellia’s magic.”
“What’s different this time from yesterday?”
“Perhaps you have more of the power of the old gods wrapped in you. Perhaps it is because you are not singing their words this time. Regardless of the reason, we must return you to the Eversea soon.”
I nod and he goes to collect the chest he placed on a nearby plateau.
“Let’s settle matters with your family.”
“Yes.” I situate myself on his back once more and we head for the surface. This is the last time I’ll see the waters of Dennow. The last time I’ll see my home.
After tonight…I am one with the Eversea and will commit myself to becoming nothing more than the offering to an old god.
