A thought crosses my mind. “Come with me.”
“Victoria, I’m sure I’m misunderstanding…are you bringing a soul with us out of the Abyss?” Ilryth’s voice resonates between my temples.
“I’m not leaving him here,” I say plainly, speaking to Ilryth alone, hoping it’s clear that there’s no room for argument.
Objection seems to pain Ilryth. “We can’t take him back.”
“Why not?” I look him in the eyes, keeping my focus only on him in the hopes that Kevhan won’t hear our debate. “Souls wander back all the time.”
There’s a shift in how Ilryth’s voice sounds, almost like he’s whispering through a short tunnel to me. He’s speaking for me alone as well. “He will turn into a wraith.”
“I was told that wraiths were created out of resentment, and hatred. Yes, he was on the way to becoming one when I first saw him. But with a little explanation, and time, he now understands what his circumstances are. He’s not going to resent the living so he will not become a wraith,” I reason. “When he is ready, he will cross over to the other side—he’ll become one of the shadow spirits we see here, waiting for his chance to cross the Veil. But until then, he stays with me. If anything bad happens, I’ll take responsibility. I’ll do what must be done. I have the power to, thanks to Krokan and Lellia.” I just hope it doesn’t come to that.
Ilryth grabs my hand. “You’re sure about this?”
I nod. “I don’t leave my people behind. He’s all that’s left of my crew; I can’t abandon him down here. Besides, it’d be more irresponsible to leave him. He might go back to wandering up the Gray Trench on his own; he was already close to doing so. At least this way, if he turns into a wraith, we’re there and can banish him instantly. Plus, you never know, he might be of help convincing the chorus of what we have to say. Or perhaps can help me understand Lady Lellia in some way we don’t yet know.” I’m reaching, but I’ll make any excuse not to leave Kevhan behind.
The pad of Ilryth’s thumb lightly strokes over mine. The movement is oddly intimate. As much as any of the other carnal pleasures we’ve indulged in. It is a motion of easy confidence and tenderness. Of compassion and understanding.
“I can see why Krokan chose you,” he says thoughtfully. “You truly are a magnificent creature.”
“Shall we?” I turn back to Kevhan, stealing his wandering attention from the opening of the trench. He seemed to have been utterly obsessed with it, missing our debate entirely.
“All right, I’ll come with you.”
“You’re sure you can trust me? Even though I lied about working with a siren?” Despite getting what I want, I still question. The edge of feeling unworthy of his trust snakes up within me like a bad habit.
“Did I not tell you that you are like a fourth daughter I never had?” He clasps my shoulder. “What kind of second father would I be if I didn’t trust you now? Beside, we both had our secrets, didn’t we?”
I smile weakly through the pain that his words fill me with. Raising a hand, I pat the back of his. “I never told you enough how appreciative I was of you. I never realized how much you looked after me. All the times that I could have—shouldhave—been more grateful to you. I’m sorry for not recognizing it all sooner. For not giving enough credit.”
“Victoria, I’m going to say something and I want you to listen well: if there’s anyone you don’t give enough credit to, that you’ve never given enough credit to…it is yourself. You’ve done all you could. The level best that could be expected of anyone. Find peace with that and leave the rest behind.”
“I’m working on it.” I nod and then start forward, back up to the Eversea as an unlikely trio.
CHAPTER46
Leavingthe Abyss is much harder than entering. Every step over rock and up steep hill is more challenging than the last, and both men fight to follow closely behind me. I continually look over my shoulder at them, ensuring they’re still with me, afraid that if I were to let them out of my sight for a little too long they’d vanish completely.
“Sorry for slowing you both…it’s…” Kevhan is out of breath. “Surprisingly difficult to crawl out of here.”
Ilryth gives me a worried look on his behalf. I release the siren’s hand to outstretch mine to Kevhan. My former employer seems to take note of our previously interlaced fingers.
“Here,” I say with forced calm, treating Kevhan like I would a leery stray cat. The idea of him snapping and running back to the Gray Trench is prominent in my thoughts. Somehow, I’ve convinced myself that neither of them is truly safe until we’re out of the Abyss. “Take my hand. I won’t let you fall back to that place, unless you want to.”
“I assure you, I won’t ‘want to’ until I have a chance to see my daughters again,” he vows. I believe him wholeheartedly, and that’s what helps me keep a steady hand, his fingers closing around mine as I help him scramble over a rock.
It occurs to me that his wife isn’t counted among his reasons to return. In fact, Kevhan never speaks of his wife beyond passing, businesslike mentions. I can’t help but wonder what the design of their relationship is. Is it love? Or more of an arrangement?
When I was young and my head was blissfully full of storybooks, I thought every couple who fell in love desired to be wed. And, therefore, every marriage was one of love—that love was passion and fire and so every union that ended with a ring was one of bliss. That was how I mistook lust for love when Charles first came to town. One look, and I thought I knew. He hardly had to do anything but flash me a dazzling smile.
It’s because of him that I learned, all too well, that love is not made of fairytales. I took it as a bitter lesson. I saw every love that worked, like my parents’, as a fluke. Every one that failed, like my own, as an inevitability.
Now…I see that lesson in a new light. There are many different forms love can take between partners. A love based on passion is no less than a love based on shared experience, or business, or whatever other connection brings two individuals together. Every couple has their own opportunity to define what love is to them. Whether that is an arrangement like Kevhan’s, or a love that is so world-changing the days stop when your partner is gone, like Ilryth’s parents’.
My attention drifts to him. Shamelessly, I study the sharpness of his jaw. His youthful features that glow with their own light, his pale hair cutting harsh lines against this realm of eternal night.
I’d never thought of marrying again. I didn’t feel it suited me. For so long, I believed Charles wholly when he told me I was hard to love and difficult to be around. But now I know he was wrong. He was a sad and bitter man who desperately needed control after his life upended with the deaths of his family, and I am no longer beholden to his cruel catharsis.
