I giggled but the sound was cut short by Dr. Stubens turning back toward us.
"At this stage, I could probably get a picture of the baby with an external ultrasound, but I prefer certainty, so we're going to take pictures and measurements internally today. Starting with your next visit, your ultrasounds will likely be external only. I say likely because I can't predict the future or possible issues you might have." She exhaled and smiled at us both. "That doesn't mean I foresee problems. Mom is young and healthy and Dad is, too. Now, are you ready to see the baby?"
We both nodded and Dr. Stubens helped me put my feet in the stirrups again but I was grateful that this time I didn't have to scoot down until most of my butt was hanging off the table.
"Okay, I'm inserting the wand now," she said.
I inhaled and exhaled, slow and easy, but as she'd promised, it wasn't painful or even uncomfortable. Just strange.
In a few seconds, I completely forgot about the peculiar feeling because she turned the screen more toward us and pointed to it.
I'd seen a few ultrasound picture examples online when doing my research on pregnancy, but this was different.
This was my baby. J.J.'s hand tightened on mine and I looked up. No, our baby.
Dr. Stubens was speaking but my brain had difficulty comprehending what she was saying. Something about pictures for us to take home.
What caught my attention was her voice when she said, "Well, I believe your calculations were correct, Lee. You're measuring right at twelve weeks. You've made it through your first trimester, which is wonderful." She hit a few keys on the keyboard and a strip of black and white images printed out from underneath. "Now, I'll let you get cleaned up and I have a bag full of pamphlets and information for you to take home and read. I'll go over a bit of it with you, but as I recall you are excellent at research and fully capable of going through the material on your own."
I nodded, numb and still coming to terms with the fact that the image on the screen, the little blob of stubby arms and legs and an obvious head, was my baby.
"Next time you come, we should be able to tell the sex of the baby!" Dr. Stubens exclaimed. "Please tell me you want to know," she said.
J.J. looked at me. "What do you think?" he asked. Then, he grinned. "Never mind. You like to plan and make lists, so I'm pretty sure you'll want to know."
I nodded and realized I'd barely spoken since we came in here. "Yes, I want to know," I said to him.
"Wonderful!" Dr. Stubens exclaimed. "Well, here's a towel to clean up with. Once you get back to the room, go ahead and get dressed and come into my office, okay? We'll go over everything there."
With that, she left me alone with J.J. in that dim room.
"You okay?" he asked when the door shut behind her. "That was the first time you've spoken since we came into this room."
I started to nod but licked my lips. "Yeah, I'm okay. Just...trying to get my head on straight."
"I know what you mean," he said.
I sat up and glanced at the towel, then at him.
"Oh, uh, yeah. I'll turn my back, okay?"
I nodded and as soon as his back was turned, used the towel to wipe my belly one more time and then between my legs. I remembered seeing baby wipes on the wooden bench in the changing area of the exam room and suddenly understood what they were for.
I balled the towel up and got to my feet. "Done. There's baby wipes in the changing area, so I'll finish cleaning up when I dress."
J.J. opened the door for me and did the same when we reached the changing room. "I'm going to the restroom while you get dressed," he said. "I'll wait out here until you're done."
I nodded and went inside the room, shutting the door behind me. Once I was safely ensconced in the changing area, I sat on the wooden bench and exhaled hard.
I wasn't sure what to think about first—the fact that I was having a baby, one I was beginning to love and want more than I ever thought possible, or the realization that I was in love with my husband.
A husband I hadn't wanted or expected.
The only thing I knew with certainty was that I had no clue what to do next.
There was no plan for this. No list I could make to help me get through it.
Loving J.J. justwas. There was no controlling it or managing it. I had to figure this out as I went along.
