What? Yes, as I said, I was a masochist, and I wanted to memorize every part of this man on the day I was planning to walk away from him.
"I need to get back to Cam's soon," I answered, shoving my dirty shirt from the night before into my tote. I should have known I was getting in too deep when Ben told me to bring some stuff over to leave at his place. I'd never done that before, except for maybe a toothbrush.
"Are you coming back later?" he asked. He leaned against the doorjamb and tucked his empty hand in his pocket.
I zipped up my tote and faced him.
"I'm going back to Dallas soon." It wasn't entirely true. I would leave, but I'd intended to come back. I said it because I needed something between us, something he would understand. And believe.
He watched me and took another sip of his cider. When I didn't say anything, he asked, "And?"
"I think it's best if we stop seeing each other now before we get in too deep."
"I thought you were talking about moving here," he said as he set the hard cider on top of the dresser next to the door and crossed his arms over his chest. He didn't wait for me to respond, only kept talking, "But that's not why you're leaving, is it? This morning really freaked you out, didn't it?"
"I'm not freaked out," I lied. I totally was. I was falling in love after I'd made it clear to him that I wouldn't. Fuck me, I never thought I could.
Ben straightened from the doorjamb and prowled toward me. "Did you know that you blink three times when you lie?"
"I do not."
And, dammit, I blinked three times.
A grin tugged at the corner of his mouth but disappeared as if it had never been.
"You feel something for me. Something more than friendship. Something more than lust. And you're scared shitless," he stated, coming to a stop a foot away.
He was too close. There was nowhere to hide. No way to evade.
"I told you that I didn't want to get involved," I said. "It's not a good idea. I live in the city and you live here."
"Dallas is less than two hours away, not thousands of miles," he scoffed. "And you said you only have to go into your office one week every month or so."
"Before I got my promotion, yes. Now, I'll need to be there more often."
"Every day?" he asked.
It was a pointed question, one he already knew the answer to. "No. At least two weeks a month though." That was a lie. The person in my position previously had come in maybe once a month, so it was likely I'd have the same schedule.
"So that's really not what's holding you back, is it?" he pressed.
"I don't do relationships," I said. "I made that clear before we started this." Desperation tinged my voice but I couldn't hide it.
"So everything between us is just sex?"
I shook my head. "No, you're a friend. I like spending time with you, but I don't need a boyfriend. I don't want one."
"What do you think we've been doing the last couple of months? Forget dating and the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. We've been acting like an old married couple."
My neck suddenly grew hot and I could feel the flush climbing into my face. "No, we haven't," I argued.
Ben took my hands in his. "Sierra, I love you. All your weird quirks and your tendency to say exactly what you think without stopping to consider how it might come out. You're funny and challenging and you don't want anything from me but me. I think if you would stop bullshitting yourself for just a minute, you would realize that you're falling in love with me, too."
I jerked my hands out of his as though he burned me and shook my head. "No, I'm not falling in love," I lied.
It was even more terrifying that he could read me so well and easily. That he could see the emotion growing inside me long before I did.
Ben leaned toward me. "You just blinked three times," he murmured.
I lifted my hands. "I can't do this. I'm not going to argue with you about howIfeel. I'm telling you that I don't want this thing between us to go any further. From the beginning, I told you that I wouldn't fall in love with you and that hasn't changed. I'm telling you how I feel but I can't control if you like it or not. But I do hope you'll respect it."
Ben stepped back as though I slapped him. The expression on his face stabbed me right in the gut. I nearly reached out to him, nearly apologized, but I couldn't do it.
I was doing the right thing. Eventually, he would see that.
Instead of trying to convince him, I gathered up my things and fled.
