Then, he kissed me. It was as lazy as his smile, as soft as his touch, and full of tenderness and something else. It was nearly chaste, but I felt it deep in my chest.
My senses awakened. The morning light was pearlescent, gilding Ben's body and casting a golden tint to his flesh. The scent of his skin filled my head. He rolled over on top of me, settling between my thighs.
We were both already naked and I reveled in the feel of his body against mine—the vaguely coarse feeling of his chest hair against my nipples, the heat that emanated from him, and the steady thump of his heart beneath my palms as I touched him.
I wanted him to touch me, everywhere, and I wanted to do the same to him, but there was no desperation. Only the desire to fully experience every part of him.
My hands wandered lower to curl around his erection. He was hard and ready in my palm as I stroked him. I wanted him inside me, moving just as slow and deep as the motion of my hand on him.
He broke the kiss and reached into the nightstand for a condom. I took it from him when he opened the packet, sheathing him.
And he gave me what I wanted.
Our faces were only inches apart as he slid inside me. I sucked in a sharp breath as he entered me fully. I kissed him, needing to feel connected in every way possible.
Ben moved, his thrusts measured. His lips moved from mine to my neck and down to my nipples. I arched into his mouth and moaned.
I threaded my fingers through his hair and tugged him up, bringing his mouth back to mine.
Though I wanted it to last for hours, my body grew tighter and my breath trembled.
"That's it," Ben whispered against my lips. "Come for me."
He picked up the pace, going just a little deeper and a little harder, and I couldn't hold back anymore.
I gasped and kissed him again as I came. His body tensed against mine, his steady rhythm fracturing as I pulled him over the edge with me.
Ben pulled back and locked gazes with me. I couldn't look away. I was trapped between the ecstasy he brought my body and the emotions rushing through me. I couldn't escape either.
I was falling in love with him. I couldn't ignore it or deny it any longer. For the first time in my life, I could imagine forever with someone. And it was terrifying.
I couldn't do this, couldn't leave myself open for the hurt that would inevitably follow. When it came to heartbreak, I had too much bad karma on my soul. I'd broken hearts and crushed feelings. Sure, I hadn't meant to, but that didn't change the fact that I had done it.
I didn't deserve to fall in love, and it would only be a matter of time before it was my turn to get my heart smashed.
I couldn't do it. I'd seen the pain on Brian's face, knew how much pain I'd caused him, and I couldn't face experiencing that myself.
As I came down from the climax, I kissed Ben one last time.
I had to end it.
* * *
I talkedmyself out of leaving right away. I spent the day with him—eating, touching, just being together. I was making memories. I guess I had a masochistic streak because every time I thought that I should just stop this and say something, I would talk myself out of it.
I wanted to remember these moments when I was alone in the future, to have something to keep me warm at night when I was cold.
But the day came to a close too quickly and Ben started talking about making dinner. I knew I had to leave then. If I didn't do it tonight, I wouldn't do it at all.
Which meant that it would hurt even more when it imploded in the future. And it would because I didn't know how to be in love. I didn't know how to make a relationship work.
So, while he was scoping out the fridge, I snuck into the bedroom to gather the few things I'd brought with me. A t-shirt, boxer shorts, my toothbrush. Not a lot, but each item felt heavy.
Ben came into the bedroom carrying two hard ciders and stopped right by the door. There went my hope for a quick exit.
"Hey, why are you packing up?" he asked. He sipped from his can and put the other one on the nightstand.
I caught a whiff of his scent and inhaled deeply, hoping to keep it imprinted on my memory.
