I didn’t want to come, but after I passed out crying in Ty’s arms last night and he clearly carried me to bed. I woke with hisshirt on me and him watching me sleep like a creeper leaning against the doorframe.
He asked me one more time, more like begged, and I agreed, though I’m regretting it now because this session is going to fricking suck.
It’s going to hurt, we both know it, and whereas my husband thinks we’ll be able to move past opening this big giant wound, I know it will tear us even further apart to the point I don’t even know if I’ll want to even look at him.
“Thank you for seeing us both on such short notice,” Ty says from beside me, his hand coming to my knee, giving it a little squeeze when I bounce it with nerves.
Dr. Chimes nods as she looks my way and asks, “How are you feeling, Ashley?”
I swallow hard again and admit, “Like this is one big mistake.”
Ty doesn’t say anything as Dr. Chimes questions, “Why?”
I chew my bottom lip as I grip Ty’s hand. He tightens his own grip, thinking maybe I’m about to shove his touch away, but instead I hold the top of his hand tightly using his strength I currently lack and say, “Because opening this kind of wound after he’s been gone for five months might destroy whatever co-parenting relationship we could potentially have because Cole is all that matters in this scenario. The baby, he doesn’t know any different. Cole, however, does and he has been through too much already where me and his father are concerned, especially believing he wasn’t wanted.”
Dr. Chimes nods as she looks at Ty and mentions, “In the five months Ashley has come to see me, not once has she mentioned why you left so suddenly. Why don’t we begin the session by explaining what happened to help Ashley ease into this?”
Tyler’s hand tightens, and I tear up as he chokes, “I tried to kill myself,” shocking Dr. Chimes, her kind eyes widening, and Ilook down at his tattooed hand, his wedding ring still in place, taking my whole focus.
Tyler takes a deep breath and explains, “After Ash finally confessed what happened, why she backed away from me, why she couldn’t let me touch her, I realized just how much I messed up. I realized that deep down, I allowed my resentment towards her for not allowing us to live before settling down, resentment towards my own son, blind me from what was really going on. I allowed myself to believe she cheated to give me an excuse to find out what I was missing, which was nothing. I was missing nothing because the only girl I thought about was my wife. If I came to and realized who I was fucking, I pulled back instantly, and the guilt… Fuck. I couldn’t breathe, I felt like my whole world was tumbling around me at how hard I had messed up, at who I hurt so I drove home recklessly after that session and put my gun in my mouth,” he clears his throat as my tears fall, “If my best friend, my president, hadn’t had seen me speed through the gates, if he hadn’t followed me and tackled me when I had my finger on the trigger, I would be dead right now.”
I choke on a sob and his grip tightens further as he continues, “When I came to, I was in the club’s medical room with my brothers surrounding me, begging me to leave, to take a ride for a few weeks and I declined. But they knew if I stayed I would have carried out my plan because the pain was too much to handle.”
I bite down hard on my bottom lip, trying my hardest not to scream at him, to call him selfish. I’ve already done that once, he doesn’t need to hear it again, not right now.
“And you agreed in the end to leave…” Dr. Chimes confirms.
“I did,” he agrees, “I first had to see Ashley before I left, and the emotions, well, they were high, and she was mad, angry, and rightfully so after hearing what I did. What I tried to do and it was the night we created our third child,” I flinch, hating thatI couldn’t save our fallen angel and he sighs, “I left her a note, explaining that I would be back soon, I went and had a tearful goodbye with my son, promising to keep in touch, and I rode out.”
“But you stayed gone longer than planned,” she says, and he hums.
“I did,” he states, and she asks, “Why?”
“Because I still felt the need to kill myself after two weeks,” he chokes, and I squeeze my eyes tight. He explains, “I was with a club that is affiliated with us, wanted to check on a brother’s sister to ensure she wasn’t causing trouble and one of their clubwhores tried to come onto me. It didn’t go down well and I had to be dragged out of their club,” I look at him shock as he continues, “All I saw was Virginia and what she orchestrated, the rape she planned for my wife just because she couldn’t have me, and I grabbed my gun again remembering that I gave in because I thought I was missing out when I wasn’t… Selena, my brother's sister, quickly got in between me and my gun before a Huntsmen brother tackled me.”
Oh god he, he… again …
“Tell me about the first time you slept with Virginia,” Dr. Chimes asks, and I flinch, trying to move away from Tyler, wanting to run, not wanting to hear this, but his grip tightens to stop me from moving.
“I was at the club,” he begins, and I tremble, not wanting to hear this, still reeling about the fact he tried to kill himself again. “I was drinking, pissed at the whole world. It was about a month after her rape,” he admits and I flinch yet again, “I obviously didn’t know it at the time. She was being cagey, having secret phone calls and messages, and I caught her in a lie. She told me she was speaking to her old supervisor, Nat, and I checked her phone, but the number was unknown, and I-I got black-out drunk, could barely walk. I went to my room at the clubhousewhen I felt two hands wrap around me, and they didn’t feel right. I had no fire sensation that I’d get whenever Ash would touch me, no tingling, but I thought, fuck…”
I look to see his head drop, and realization hits me as I finish, “You thought it was me…”
He looks at me with tears in his eyes and chokes, “I fucking thought it was you.”
Damn…
“What happened when you realized?” Dr. Chimes asks, and Tyler looks down, breaking the connection, but I don’t look away from him as I watch disgust etch his features.
“I took her bare,” he admits, making my mouth part in shock, “The whole act, even though it didn’t feel right, in my mind she was Ash, so I took her bare and it wasn’t until it was finished that I realized what I had just done and I thought I was going to vomit.”
“Ashley, who were the unknown numbers?” Dr Chimes asks, and I don’t look away from my husband when I admit, “Hallows hospital with my test results after my rape and miscarriage,” and he looks at me, his tears trailing down his cheeks as I admit, “I didn’t let you touch me in that month because I didn’t know if I had contacted anything…”
“Fuck,” he chokes and the room goes quiet for a moment, Dr. Chimes allowing our truths to sink in.
“Why did you continue to sleep with her if you felt that way?” I finally ask, needing to know because right now, he’s a man in pain, he’s a man disgusted with what he did after believing she was me. After I spent a month ignoring him, not wanting to give anything to him if I had something like he did with me…
“Because you messaged that you were going to be later than normal as I was ready to throw up, and I, fuck, I made myself believe you were cheating, so I fucked her again out of anger, outof revenge that you didn’t deserve,” he admits, showing me his truth, and my tears fall.
