Oh my god…
If I had owned up to what happened to me, this could have never happened.
“Don’t,” he bites, and I furrow my brows as he states, “Don’t go into thinking if you had opened up, I might never have gone down this road. You shouldn’t have had to tell me fuck all. I should have remembered your character, your fucking heart that I have held in my hands for seventeen years, I should have known no one would have compared to you, pixie, fucking no one. You are not to blame for my fuck up, that is all on me.”
I look down at his hand on his knee, my tears not stopping.
“Trigger, was your affair an everyday occurrence?” Dr. Chimes asks, clearly wanting to get every single hurt out in the open.
“No,” he instantly denies, and I wipe away some of my tears with my other hand. He states firmly, “I slept with Virginia two, maybe three times a month, though the brothers thought differently because I disappeared a lot. Each time I slept with her, it was when Pixie pulled away further, when the four times she actually let me touch her, she showered instantly and wouldn’t let me touch her again, or when she was home later, claiming to be at work, it was those times I went to Virginia and thought about my wife during the act.”
“And you don’t believe she was at work?” she confirms, and I wince.
I really should have told Ty about college.
“I know she wasn’t at work, at least not until five or six in the evening. The times the brothers thought I was with Virginia, I was sitting outside the convenience store all day, waiting to see when my wife would show. To see if she would have a guy with her and when she was at the clubhouse, while the brothers thought I was fucking, I was again, waiting to see if a guy wouldvisit regularly than a normal shopper.” He states, and I swallow hard.
Regret is building, which is exactly what I was scared of happening.
Don’t get me wrong, he is at fault in all of this, he still resented me and our son when he had no right, keeping his true feelings about our marriage and pregnancy from me. He still slept with her for a year, but a lot could have been cleared up if I had just spoken to him.
Not able to keep quiet, I look at him and ask, “What about the day Cole was sick? You were with her, right?”
Ty nods, clearly not willing to lie, and my heart shatters until he says, “You had a text and I, fuck, I read it.”
I shake my head and deny, “You were on a club run and said you would be at the clubhouse when you got back, that is what you messaged me, so how could you have read a text?”
“I came straight home, pixie,” he whispers, “I missed you, I missed Cole, and when I walked inside, he was watching TV and did not look ill at that point. Said you were in the shower. I was going to climb in with you, to beg you not to leave me, to beg you to stop seeing whoever it was you were seeing when your phone went off and you had a message from Natalie asking if the guy was better than your husband in bed. I walked out and back to the club. Stone interrupted Virginia on her knees for me, where I was trying to picture you, but was failing to get hard because I knew she wasn’t you when he told me about Cole. She sprayed her perfume everywhere, wanting you to discover us. It was also the last time I allowed her anywhere near me.”
“Nat said she sent the message to the wrong person,” is all I can say, and my tears fall, and he drops his head in shame.
“I’m proud of you two,” Dr. Chimes says, gaining our attention, “This is the first time you’ve both sat down and spoken honestly, it’s the first time, Ashley, you’ve actually asked himquestions. This is a good first step, and the question that I want answered is; What do you both want out of this? Do you want to be able to co-parent, or do you want to try again, have a restart of your marriage?”
Well, hell…
Before this conversation, I would have said I want a divorce, and while he doesn’t deserve me, he doesn’t deserve a second chance, I can see where my involvement in this mess is. It has me second-guessing, but I don’t think I can forgive him.
“I want my wife back,” Ty instantly says, “I want her in my arms, I want to watch her sing and dance around the kitchen while our son tries some voodoo shit with the cat,” I let out a sob, “I want my family back and I know it will be hard, I know she will struggle to trust me but I’m willing to try because she is my life, and the question is, can she try?”
That is a good question, indeed, because I’m not sure I can.
Chapter 20
Trigger
I gently trace the purple line with black ink on Shayla’s shoulder blade, the angel wings for her mama turning out perfectly as the vibrating of the gun echoes, not that it centers me like it normally would.
I’m a fucking mess after our therapy session this morning, and had Shayla not waited five fucking months for me to be the one to do this for her, in her mama’s memory, then I would have canceled. Would have gone for a ride to try and clear my head before I did something stupid.
Five months, and I managed to get my suicidal thoughts to stop, five fucking months, and all it took was one heartbreaking, gut-wrenching confession, and I feel the itch again.
I didn’t get my questions answered after we bared our souls to each other, after I came clean and learned a fucking lot about all the shit that was going on.
College, hospital tests, and friends sending a message to the wrong friend.
Everything in my head was all fucking wrong, and instead of answering the question on where she sees us going, so I know which route to take, Dr. Chimes’ alarm went off.
Maybe I should just tie her to the bed and get it over with because, honestly, after this morning, I’m fucking scared, and I’m man enough to admit that.
