But he knows. Hemustknow. There’s no point in making this worse.
“You too,” he says.
And then he’s gone and I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep breathing.
I lie back on my bed, letting the conversation sink in, wondering if the weight of it will pull me through the floor of this house, down into the ground.
Into my grave.
“Dinner in five minutes,”Bray shouts from downstairs.
Eating is the last thing I want to do. But we’ve had a rule since Mom died—if we’re in the house, we all eat together. No taking it to our bedrooms or having it later because someone wants to watch the game. I guess it was Dad’s way of keeping us from drifting apart. And it’s worked pretty much. Okay, so I got my high school diploma and I haven’t told Bray or my dad, but we share stuff around the dinner table.
I pull myself up from the bed, check my face in the mirror and head out. I can’t let myself cry. I won’t. Not until later.
“You okay?” Bray asks, as I get to the bottom of the stairs.
I smile and nod, trying to be as convincing as possible. I’m anything but okay, but I’m not about to admit it.
“What the hell are you working on that won’t wait until tomorrow?” he asks.
I realize I’m carrying my laptop. I don’t even remember picking it up. It was beside me on the bed, as I was going through my emails when Jack called. Ironically, I’d had good news today. I got notified that I’d been accepted into the American History course that I’d applied for. I’d been excited to tell Jack. I thought it would distract him from thoughts of his dad. And I knew he’d be happy for me. And proud.
He’ll never know now.
Pain burrows deep into my stomach and I sit, trying to pretend I can’t feel it.
“Just some stuff,” I reply.
After dinner, I’ll work through some financial projections. It’ll distract me. It’s nothing that couldn’t wait until tomorrow, but what else am I going to do? Stare at my phone, hoping thatJack will call and tell me he’s made a huge mistake and he’s on his way to Colorado? Even though I don’t want him to do that. It will just stretch out the torture of being with him, knowing it’s going to end. It’s better like this. Now I can start to get on with life.
Whatever that means.
“Jack not around? Not seen him for a few days.”
It’s been twelve days since he left town, but naively, I always assumed he’d come back. I knew when we started, we’d end. I just wasn’t expecting the end to come so soon and I didn’t expect it to hurt like this. Like someone carved a hole in my chest and ripped out my heart.
I feel hollow. Empty. And what’s worse is that I know deep inside, this is it. Things aren’t going to get better. They just won’t. They can’t.
Life will go back to how it was before Jack. Frankly, it already has, but things will be so much worse now. I’ve seen what life can be like. I’ve seen the possibility. It’s like being with Jack showed me what color is, and I’ll have to go back to a world in black and white. I think I’d rather not have known. At least I wouldn’t feel the loss so deeply.
“Iris?” my dad asks from the couch, where he’s watching football. “Bray asked you where Jack was.”
“He’s in New York.”
“Why’s he in New York? And when’s he coming back?”
“His father had a stroke. And he’s not coming back.”
I stand, scoop up my laptop and head back upstairs. I don’t care about our rules for dinnertime. I want to be alone. I just want to stop thinking about all the times we had together in Star Falls. They’re rattling around my brain like they’re trying to haunt me.
I close my bedroom door and close the drapes. I want to block everything out. All my thoughts. All my senses. I take aseat on my bed, propping myself up on my cushions and open my laptop. I just need to stay busy until this pain inside me lessens. I just need to feel better—to know that this ache inside me won’t last forever.
His voice was so tender. So concerned. Forme. When it’shisfather who’s in the hospital.
Maybe it would have been better if he’d cheated on me or ghosted me or turned out to be a gigantic asshole. But he’s staying in New York to look after his father and the family business. He hasn’t drawn this out—let me come to my own conclusions. He’s done everything right. That’s who Jack is—honorable. Trustworthy. The best man I’ve ever known.
And now he’s gone.
