“Yes,” I manage to whisper.
“I don’t want to be selfish,” he says.
I don’t know if I imagine it, but it sounds like his voice is breaking as he speaks.
“You deserve to be happy. I want that for you. More than anything,” he adds.
You make me happy, I want to say.Any crumb or snatched moment I can get, I’ll take.
I want to assure him I’ll wait as long as it takes for him to come back to Star Falls. That I’ll call him five times a day and visit him as often as I can.
But I don’t think that’s what he wants.
And he’s not invited me to New York.
I can’t find the right words—any words—to say in return. What is there to say?
I’ll miss you?
I’ll never forget you?
I’ll think of you every day for the rest of my life?
None of it seems enough.
“I want you to be happy too,” I say.
More silence.
Silence that lets the terrifying reality seep in. I know now that I’ll never know anyone like Jack again. From this moment on, there will be a gap in my heart where Jack is meant to fit.
He’s still on the phone, I can hear his breaths against the handset, but I feel so empty.
I wantyou. Iwantyou.I want you.
It’s all I can think. All I can feel.
But why? We knew this is how we’d end up. It was always going to turn out like this. His life, his family, his business is all in New York.
What did I expect?
That he’d give it all up and come and live on a fruit farm in Colorado?
Now we’re both hurting. Him in one time zone, me in another. So did we let it go so far? Why did I let myself fall in love with this man?
I never had a choice.
Not since that first night in New York. I think I fell in love with him that evening.
I’m an idiot. I should have run when I saw him again at the diner. As far away as possible. I should never have let myself get into something that was going to be so painful to get out of.
“You’re probably busy,” he says.
I shake my head, but don’t say anything. I can’t. He’ll hear my tears if I do and I don’t want him to hurt more than he does. I know this is as difficult for him as it is for me.
More silence. I gather myself. I need to be strong. “Be kind to yourself, Jack,” I manage to say.
It’s not any of the things I want to say. It’s not any of the things I feel.
