“Yes,” I say. “It is difficult. Impossible maybe.” If he’s going to end things, I want him to do it quickly. Maybe it will hurt less. Maybe I’ll be able to stop the blood loss if it’s short and sharp.
I’m not brave enough to inflict the knife on myself, even though it would be cleaner that way. If he’s not ready to pull the trigger, I should.
But I’m weak. Weak for Jack. Weak for the possibility of an impossible relationship.
“Let’s change the subject,” I say quickly.
“Yes,” Jack agrees, almost before I can get my words out. “Tell me your deepest darkest secrets.”
“You know everything,” I say, but as I’m talking, I know it feels too much like a declaration. “Let’s play a game instead.”
“A game? What kind of game? I suppose I have a chess app on my phone. I sometimes play with Bennett.”
I laugh. “I’m not playing chess with you! Not unless it’s strip chess.”
It’s Jack’s turn to laugh, and the sound rumbles down my body, as if it’s bringing it to life. It feels good to be able to make him feel a little better—to be able to distract him. I wish I could do more.
“Let’s play I-Spy.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but we’re not in the same state, let alone the same room. How am I going to tell what you’re looking at? You want to switch to video chat?”
“Absolutely not,” I reply. “I-Spy in the same room is for kids. Amateurs. We’re playing professional I-Spy.”
“I’ve never been into your bedroom in Star Falls. You always stay with me.”
“Right. So this makes it more interesting.”
“Or more likely that you’ll win, seeing as you’ve been in my bedroom here in New York.” It’s the first time he’s mentioned where he is, and for some reason, it’s comforting to know where he is and that I’ve been there too.
“Maybe,” I tease. “I’ll go first. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with…” I look around the room, trying to spot something interesting. I lean over and click on the lamp. “L!”
Jack groans. “I just heard you turn on your light. Light.”
“Wrong.” Okay, so he was right, but I’m not going to tell him that.
“I’m not wrong. Unless you’re being pedantic, and you’re saying lamp.”
Damn him. “Maybe this was a bad idea,” I say.
“Terrible,” he says, and I laugh at how grumpy he sounds.
“Okay, so tell me what you’re reading. What’s beside your bed?”
“There are a few books,” he says.
“Tell me all of them,” I say.
“Promise not to laugh.”
“No,” I say.
He chuckles. “Okay. The first one is a book Fisher lent me calledShadow Stateby Andy McNab.”
“Any good?”
“Not really started it. Fisher loved it, but I’m not sure it’s my thing. Lots of beating up bad guys from what I can tell.”
“Yeah, I can see why that wouldn’t be your vibe. What else?”
